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Real love and passion cannot be replaced by any shadow of happiness. To give yourself to someone you are fond of, but do not love. That would be the betrayal of the decade. A denial of self. I was almost prepared to do just that several months ago, but it wasn't to be. I couldn't be so selfless as I felt he deserved. I am only human, but I have known love. Real love. I earned it once without trying, it grew inside my heart and overflowed my body and mind to illuminate and heal my soul. It was like the sun had come to light up my icy world and I was afraid. I ran from it at first. I hid from him thinking surly he would burn me. His admiration for the real me is something I will never forget. I will always be grateful for what he did for me.
I told him every fear, every hope, every truth in my existence, and he grew to love me and I him. He knew me better than I knew myself. I didn't have to be perfect, beautiful, smart or thin, he loved me for me and because I declared that no one should have to be any other way but what they are. He could love me for me, in all my bi-polar, odd and silly behavior; laughing hysterically about magic mushrooms one day and then filling sheets of paper with dark, shadowy things the same evening. It was a beautiful and very truly real love. Love that somehow happened to me when I had thought for sure that I was meant to live and die alone. That love ended. I'm so imperfect, so flawed. I don't hardly know what to do about it.
I've spent the last couple years since high school trying to develop as a person, to get to know myself and to fill the gaping black hole inside my chest with music, family, friends and hope. I'm determined to live this life. There have been days when my determination has been all but shattered, but still I go on. I struggle with everything, sometimes it's like I can't look another human being in the face. I think I'm afraid they'll see my weakness. If they only knew how weak I was, how weak I am, they would pity me. My struggle is my own and I would rather die then let them know it's there. No one helped me before, and so now I know I can't rely on most people. It's my life and I'm going to live it how I want, doing the things that make me happy. I'm learning to be strong, and to be more independent. I can do anything, not the other way around. I don't need anyone now, but I've discovered how great life is when you share it with someone wonderful. Friends and family will never be taken for granted by me again. The only ones who can help me are the ones who love me. The ones who see me staying strong and living each day. I fall down, I stand up. I no longer care if life has some great meaning or purpose. I am making my life have meaning for me and those I care about. Maybe that's the purpose of my existence. I guess this is my life. Now what will I ever do with it? I love you guys. I'm gonna call some of you in the future. Or text you. Or maybe I'll just show up and give you a good hug. Because you matter to me. You really truly do.