words are hard to be forgotten...
things just don't dissapear like you want them too..
no matter what, things just don't get easier.
you can lie awake at night, praying; dreaming, hoping...
but still... n o t h i n g .
lifes all about surviving.
it's like someone made us into a game, let's see who will win, who will loose.
who'll be broke, who'll be happy, who'll be pretty, nice, mean. everything,we don't choose; things choose us... they may not be the greatest things...
but there things we have to deal with.
& i'm just tired of dealing, tired of trying, tired of everything, everyone.
why isn't there one person, just o n e person who can understand? words you said, they may have been said in the past; but they still hurt, they still replay over in my mind. but you don't know that, you don't remember, you never will...
but i guess that's how this is how it's supposed to go right?
maybe, i'm wrong but who knows, just... who knows anymore...
this lifes hopeless, it's hard, it's struggling.
we all have our own shit to deal with, we all have our friends, family, everyone else's problems laid onto us, how do you or anyone even have time to help yourself.
me, i don't know how to help myself.
i wish i could, i wish i knew how, i wish i had help
but you can't know that, you can't know that most of this hate & pain towards you, you caused... no one else but y o u .
you had to be so immature, so un-conchinable; so heartless to cause this pain to somebody, exspecially when this somebodies your daughter.
but you seem happy now.
even though i know it's just an act.
deep down, how can you deal with yourself?
how can you let your little girl deal with all this by her-self? without you here dad, things just aren't the same, i miss you so much.
i wish you'd get your head outta your ass long enough to realize that. that i need you, i miss you.
but you have her, she's more important, more important them me & my mom. what happand ?
why did everything have to come crashing down?
why will i never understand this.
why do people leave? sometimes without even saying goodbye? i hope it was worth it, i hope it was worth loosing the two people in this world who actually gave a damn weather you're doing okay or not.
we tried, we did everything to help you; but you continued to use & deny everything you've done.
treated us like shit, & left with your new girlfriend.
do you regret what you did?
are you happier?
do you even miss me?
do you care how i feel?
will you ever truely understand how much you broke me?
well... i guess that's the funny thing... i'll never know..
all i wanted was a dad...
all i wanted was your attention.
but... i guess i'm just not important enough, i'm not good enough.
i guess i just let you down to many times that you've just gave up on me.
& mom, the things i did to you.. there un conchiable. & you don't know what'd i give to take them away, make them dissapear.
you really are the only person in this whole world that i can count on.
& if i had a million wishes they'd all be to you, for you to get better; to get healthy & beat this illness. but i can't.
you may not know how i feel; but i do feel.
i'll never truely know.
but hey, i guess that's the funny thing with life...
you'll never know, you'll never understand why.
why these things happen, why they happen to you & the ones you love. some people say everything happens for a reason, but i'll never know that reason & god to know why would make everything so much easier. i miss my dad so much words can't explain, i miss my old dad.
the one who deep inside may not of even gave a shit, but at least acted like it. Made me feel special, like i was important. but i saw it, i saw you slowly give up on me, slowly care less & less.
where were you all the nights that we cried?
you broke my mothers heart, you scarred your only daughter for life. & that's just something deep down i'll never be able to bring myself to forgive you for.
for making me feel like you never cared.
but i'm trying to be stong, i'm trying so hard to make it okay.
but still, i know deep inside, i'll never see my mom as happy as she used to be.
she looks broken, lonely, & just so down.
i need to make something of myself, anything.
& maybe one day you'll look me in the eyes & tell me your proud of me, i'd die with happiness if even if you just told me it once, i wouldn't care if you didn't mean it ; but hearing it would just make it okay.
yesterday i went threw my old pictures; & i saw you holding me as a baby & just by the look in your eyes you looked so proud, so happy.
& i've never seen that look in my life.
now you just kind of look at me in disgust, or at least it seems.
but i don't blame you.
why can't you be here, just to make it better?
i just want you here. i'd do anything... anything..