Thanks for reading my rewrite on "Prejudice Remarks". My first piece wasn't very emotional but i think i've a pretty good job in the second one. Maybe certain points i've made seem unrealistic and don't get me wrong, i live in a country where there aren't so many white people and i face with racism everyday but the main point of the piece is that hope however little it may be.
Thanks for your thoughts and everything. It means a lot. Take care....
thanks for the comment. i totaly see where your coming from on the whole bit about it needing to be broken up. (i was just lazy that day!) and im not quite shure what the significnace of the bird feeder is either, other than that it helps with the rest of the imagery. i wrote this piece as an assignment, we had to go out and try to write like a transcendentalist (i dont think i succeded) but it was a very windy day, just before a big storm and all the leaves were falling off this red tree, and the bird feeder was swinging all over the place, so thats how that all came to be.... wow... long story, ok. so anyways thanks. peace out ~Shadia
Thank you for the suggestion on my poem titled,"Broken Wing" I revised an updated poem. Your provided an interesting question in your comment. Maybe in the future, I will return to this poem to answer that question. Right now I am satisfied the minimal simplistic approach. Again, I appreciate your fresh eyes to improve this poem. I truly value your critical thinking and poetry writing skills. Keep sharing. Lots of luv and energy here!
Please let me know what you think? I revised and updated the following poem:
"Birds Sing at Night"
On a blue winter's moon, In the evening, When all do sleep, The birds come out To kindly greet At night they climb With gentle feet On top of trees, Wing and beak They fill their lungs, With precious air And voices blare With all their might, The lonely birds, That sing at night
Well, wording, in places, could use work. Unless you want me to nitpick, I wouldn't look at the lines below.
In the second line, left-side down might make more of an impact that right-side down; they'd be polar opposites instead of have things in common. Unless you were aiming for common ground, of course.
In lines three and four, you say 'it' a few times. What is it? The lines above, or the lines below?
Unless I've misunderstood, or I.T.M. means something, Ignore The Movement shouldn't all be capitalized. Or you meant to capitalize it. In that case, disregard this statement. Also, how the words are placed, especially the commas from the line above, make it sound off when read aloud.
Technically, masqued isn't a word, but I understand what you're saying. I suppose masque could be modified, though.
Someone's studied Roman law, I see. Nice touch.
A semi colon after 'ignore the wound' would be proper, instead of a comma. If you edit the following line, so that it is a sentence. I don't think it fits with the line preceeding it. Just me, though. (Yay incomplete sentences!)
I really like the next stanza, because I can't prod it too much with my almighty magic pencil. It's fine.
There should be a comma before 'than.' However, that line doesn't make a lot of sense. Do you mean 'than to force yourself into terror", or "than to force yourself to terrorizing?" Something else, possibly? I can't seem to understand that line.
But, the rest looks fine. The final two lines are my favorite of the entire poem, and you couldn't have come to a better conclusion.