--Elite Writer Alias: Lelik Name: Daryl Bredenkamp ASL: 40/M/Jhb - South Africa Website:[ Website ] Days Away: 2331 Life Story: Born and alive [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 132 Forum Posts: 0 Shoutbox Posts: 0 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 5003 D 13.71 Years 1.37 Decades 166.77 Months 714.71 Weeks 5.003000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: What captures your attention determines your action.
Hi and thanks for the critical look. I've reinstated my original first line in hopes that it addresses the problem you see with the tenses. This started out as almost twice the length and I am wondering if I have pared away too much.
I'm going to keep 'moaning' for now because smouldering is too sibilant, and too expected, and moaning emphasizes the 'm' sounds in the rest.
Thanks again for your input, it helps a great deal.