please remove your comment from my post? I really do appreciate you taking the time to comment. but t don't know how to disable comments on my posts and I write on here only for me and I just really don't need negativity on something that is only for myself.
In response to your critique. I was going more for a mood or tone in that poem. Language is good for that.
The mood or tone is one of emptiness and of the mechanical. It could almost be about a person lying in a coma. It's kind of a cold, gray poem in that way-- except at the end there is an alliterative flourish and fire, which could be a kind of hope or relief from the pervasive gray mechanical feeling.