Orin

Hi, Orin...,

Thanks for your comment on "When Alone Means Lonely."

You are right to say this piece is much more forced than my original work from earlier in my life. When I was younger, (in some cases at only 13 years of age, one poem the first four lines being written at 10), I wrote several immaculate poems from lightning-flashes of inspiration. Later, I would get totally blitzed out of my head on any of innumerable substances, and just write what came to mind. Sometimes I wrote knowing I would not understand what I wrote until later, sometimes I just thought the words sounded good together and realized later on they had more meaning than I could have known. When looking back, it feels as though I had little hand in some of those pieces; it was as though my pen moved effortlessly across the page at little direction from me. A few days later, I would discover the poem on a napkin or scrap and scarcely remember writing it. Others of them, though I was high, I remember writing very vividly, and to this day can describe where I was and what I was doing in intimate detail. Yet, even here, it seemed a similar process was at work when I placed pen to page. It is hard to compete with this in my more recent work, as I rarely now recieve such flashes of inspiration. Maybe because it is easier to be inspired in your youth or when you are high and easily amused, or maybe it is for other reasons, I'm not sure. But I wish I knew how to tap into that energy while straight. It is true that a lot of it is much more forced. I have to think harder about the technical aspects of it, and that alone detracts from the circular nature of words that are supposed to flow. I can still write stream-of-consciousness and turn out some hidden jewels, or at least take the essential idea and work with it. Sometimes the results are nearly as good, or rarely, better, but it has taken years for me to stop beating myself up about the fact I peaked at 17. I had to realize that this simply is not true and continue to write newer stuff anyway. Most poets write their best works in the later years of their lives. For me it is in cycles, and it seems I am coming into another one.

This particular poem was written when I was in a big transition in my life. I was going through a phase where everything was quiet, the chaos had calmed, and I had a lot of time to think...too much. Another commenter said they could see controlled anger here, and that is indeed the case. I am incredibly critical of these types of my work, which is why I called this one "venting." When I read it now, I can vividly remember how desperately lonely I was feeling at the time. I have noticed that some of my best works, and also some of my worst, have occurred during these times.

I was surprised how you said it seemed I set out to write about the emotion itself but could not. I think that is a very perceptive comment, very true. I was having a hard time writing anything at all during that time. I have struggled a lot with writer's block, usually after a big change that means reevaluating and changing the strategy of my life, and also, of my writing.

Thank-you for your open and perceptive comment on this unflattering moment of my life, that I chose to lay exposed and immortalize in poetry.

soul-hugger