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Perpetualdreamz


Name: John Doe
Website:[ Education ]
Days Away: 5098
Life Story: rose bud.
[ Ignore User ]

Favorites: 0
Forum Posts: 0
Shoutbox Posts: 0
RP Posts: 0
Signup Date: 5892 D
16.14 Years 1.61

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dotsLast 20 Submissionsdots

 Past tense of the Present
:|| V: 908 | C: 1 ||:
::Broken : Class : Random Thoughts :
 I'm tired
:|| V: 756 | C: 2 ||:
::I am dead inside : Class : Rant :
 I've seen the inside of a stress ball
:|| V: 680 | C: 0 ||:
::BrokenHeart : Class : Story :
 It's not Death. You just lived a life, that&
:|| V: 623 | C: 0 ||:
::Religious : Class : Random Thoughts :
 Once
:|| V: 692 | C: 1 ||:
::Friendship : Class : Poetry :
 There, but not
:|| V: 675 | C: 1 ||:
:: : Class : Prose :
 Road trip
:|| V: 799 | C: 1 ||:
::Misc : Class : Poetry :
 No Matter
:|| V: 622 | C: 1 ||:
::Longing : Class : Prose :
 Breathe In
:|| V: 612 | C: 2 ||:
::Venting : Class : Poetry :
 One day closer...
:|| V: 791 | C: 2 ||:
::Longing : Class : Misc :
 Goalie
:|| V: 701 | C: 3 ||:
:: : Class : Misc :
 .Only.
:|| V: 761 | C: 0 ||:
::Friendship : Class : Prose :
 |Choice|Difficulty|-Istic|
:|| V: 844 | C: 2 ||:
::Misc : Class : Random Thoughts :
 TIME!
:|| V: 681 | C: 1 ||:
::Misc : Class : Random Thoughts :
 My New Home
:|| V: 766 | C: 1 ||:
::I am dead inside : Class : Poetry :
 .Tangled String.
:|| V: 1032 | C: 1 ||:
::Depressed : Class : Deep Thought :
 Where Another Leap Lies
:|| V: 991 | C: 0 ||:
::Misc : Class : Poetry :
 .flicker.
:|| V: 1039 | C: 0 ||:
::Society : Class : Poetry :
List All...



Messages

  
I just read everything you have posted. There are two that I think you should keep, One day closer... and Where Another Leap Lies, the rest I think you should consider either heavily revising or just tossing out and starting over.

Your ideas are good, but your language needs freshening. There are lots of clichés and rather stale ways of saying things. This happens a lot when you don't take time with your writing, and that's what I suspect your problem is. On a couple of poems, you've noted "I wrote this while I was playing soccer" or other indications that you wrote the poem quickly. I know that is a source of pride for a lot of people, that they think that means they have a greater talent. But why? In my opinion, it simply means you don't really care.

If, on the other hand, you DO care, then I'd suggest you pick one of your favorites that you have posted and begin a serious rewrite. Pick a word or phrase from each line or stanza that you really like and build around it - just make sure that it isn't something you've heard before. If it is, toss it out and found a different way of saying it. That's your job as a writer. This is true of prose as well as poetry.

Your pieces are generally short, so I don't need to advise you to pare them down (a particular problem I have!) You just really need to use fresher language. mae
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by mae - [ Reply to This ] -



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