RJCHANDLER

I am hoping that this week won't go by without me finding a job.The hardest thingI have ever done is accept that I am completely broke..It really sux ass...

How can it be June already? Randi will be 14 this month and Chandler will be 8.
My sweet babies are growing up so fast.
Randi and I have drifted apart lately. She has written numerous entries in her journal about how she hates me. I know it is somewhat typical to be hating on your mom at 13...but this is true hate. I dont think anyone has ever hated me like this. I can feel her starring at me when my back is turned....i feel the burn of her hate for me. I have put off talking with her, I am spread so thin between the three of them, and Chandler takes up so much of my time and energy.
And I think I was struggling with the fact that talking to Randi wouldmean accepting that she is growing up. Finally, I decided to just do it, Why was this so hard? So the time had come, for me to BE A MOM to a TEENAGE GIRL Who hated me completely.....SOOOOO.......
Last night we talked for a long time,
I told her about what my dad had done to me, and about being raped when I was in the 9th grade. She will be in the 9th grade in a few months.
I wanted to be sure she was aware of different situations that we sometimes get into, and I wanted her to understand that inner "feeling" that we get that warns us of these situations ahead of time. I wanted her to know that she should always feel free to come to me with questions, concerns or anything else she needed to talk about or know about.
She is getting boobs, and there are other signs of puberty starting to show, But she is concerned that she hasnt gotten her period yet. I told her not to rush it, it is a horrible part of being a woman. Then I warned her that the time for it was very close and she should be prepared. I still cannot believe this time has come. wasn't it only yesterday she was learning to walk?
Where did the years go?
I have struggled for many years, even before I had children, with the decision of telling my future daughter of the horrible experiences I endured, and the secrets I had kept for so long. My ultimate desire is to shelter them and protect them, But I am more realistic than that, and I know that is impossible. Already she has had to deal with the reality of MEN and the bad choices men make.
She is not the leader that I was at that age, So I worry her choice of friends will be her demise.
I told her of my desires to protect her forever from the things I went thru....Perhaps I gave her too much information at once. HOw am I supposed to know? I am so clueless at times, most of the time, What I should do.
I worry that I will mess up so big as a mom that I hurt my children.
As much as I want to shelter them from this world, I also want to show them reality, so they will be prepared. I was so unaware of so many things when I was a child/ teen...No one told me anything, I had to learn along the way. And that usually results in much confusion, and many mistakes. I want these girls to be better prepared than I was, and sometimes that means showing the the harsh reality...right?
Oh PLEASE GOD, LET ME GET THIS RIGHT!!!

Yesterday my mom came to visit, and she asked me if I was on Meth...Funny how she asks now that I am NOT on it anymore...I must seem messed up when I am sober.
Sorry Mom, It is too late to ask, too late to help, I , once again, have rescued myself.
Being on that stuff kept me locked away, inside my bedroom. When I would pull myself away from the computer or the pipe to walk out of my bedroom, I was not very plesant. I was hateful or distant with the girls.
I didn't know!!! I swear !!! I was so out of it, I didn't mean for it to go this far.
Now I am clean and I hope I can stay clean forever. Knowing what i know now, I dont think it will be hard to stay clean.
Randi and I leave for NYC on the 7th.
Neither of us seem too excited though. I hope I get a child support check so I can give her some money for souvineers.
I sure hope we have a good time, she and I both need this, but more importantly we need it to go well.
I hope when she is 16 we can plan a trip to Paris or maybe Ireland.

For now, I just wish she didnt hate me so much.
Maybe the talk will help her to understand that I only wish to protect her, and I want to arm her with the righttools, information, knowledge to get her thru the situations that I cannot protect her from. I do not think I will ever be ready to let go...Is it too late to have an abortion? that was a really lame joke...
sigh.....what next?