|Journal: Dag Yo|
I'm just thinking: I wish I were just purely good. I wonder if there are actually those sorts of people in the world? And why I wonder this makes much sense. Everyone seems to look to me as a sweet, intelligent Pastor's dughter who is just genuinely good. But each day I as I begin to look deep within myself, I see just how wrong they are. And it's funny. I do nothing "extra" to convince people that I am an angel. So is it that there is an innate goodness within me, or is it just that others want to see it so badly, that they ignore what might just be staring them in the face?
Do I even deserve the man that has been beside me through thick and thin? Even though I'm telling him that I don't want to be "committed" to him right now, he supports me, provides for me, and all that. Shows me so much love that I don't even deserve. And he's not just a regular dead-beat. He is a truly good man, with morals--and who is actually going somewhere in life (a rank of E4 in the military and a soon to be pediatrician). And he loves me so much, but I just never seem to be satisfied--always wondering if there is something more out there for me. Pours out his heart to me, wants a family with me, and I still gotta get my head straight.
When will I figure out who I am so that I can stop hurting those that I truly love? And it seems as if at the end of it all, the person who feels the heaviest blow from it all is me. I might lose dear people in life, or I might gain friends that I don't necessarilly need, but at the end of the day, it's my soul that feels that emptiness. It's my spirit that has to deal with these many conflicts. And the only reason that there still exists so many conflicts within me is the fact that I haven't fully figured out who I have been molded into as a young Black Woman.
Am I truly good?
...Created 2004-12-29 17:02:52 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ]