|Journal: Slayer Guide|
-------------------------------------------Mood: Thrill of the Hunt
Greetings, everyone! Now, I am sure you aware that humanity as a whole shares several great common problems, but you are not aware of why I am saying this or what this writing is about. I shall tell you! Here I have a compiled a grand list of methods which can be used to solve one of those great problems of humanity: bugs.
Most people have had to deal with bugs at one time or another, whether enjoying the outdoors by hiking, camping, swimming, or picnicking, or facing the mild annoyance to major distress of finding one in your hotel, car, or home. Often, unless you are unfortunate enough to live in a swamp, on a bed of termites, or in the crown of an ant hill, these problems do not require great investments of time and money to enact a full extermination.
As such, the purpose of this guide is to provide easy and immediate methods you need to emerge victorious from the usual bug encounters you face in your daily life. These processes require only common household products you can speedily find in your hour of need. Each is also guaranteed to work; they have all been discovered and tested true through my own personal experience.
1. Large spiders on the floor can be squashed with a quick, crushing blow from a kitchen chair leg. It is recommended that you pick up the chair, which may be held in any direction best benefiting the space of the area and the userís line of sight. You need only strike once.
2. If you doubt your aim, however, large spiders on the floor can also be squashed by a dropped or pushed filing cabinet. Warning: May cause a big, gutsy mess. Have disinfecting cleaner and paper towels on hand. If user feels squeamish about clean-up, refer back to 1, which does not reveal the insides of the target, or seek the help of an indulgent family member or housemate.
3. Stink bugs in your gas fireplace can be terminated simply by turning the gas on. If the heat is sufficient, it will petrify the insects in their place. Corpses may be swept our or left as a conversation piece at the userís discretion.
4. To rid stink bugs from your cabin, first ensure that there is a bare light bulb somewhere in the room. Turn it on. Wait. Eventually the insect will circle around and finally attempt to land on the bulb. By this point it will be hot enough that the insect will be scorched on contact, and fall to the ground, stunned and much darker than before. It may now be freed, tossed, flushed, or stomped at the userís discretion.
5. Spiders attempting to lower themselves on webs from higher altitudes may be dispatched with a ruler. Rulers are recommended for their stiff composition and easy swinging capabilities when fly swatters are unavailable, such as in bedrooms, fine dining rooms, or studies. Do not attempt to lift the spider with the ruler and carry it to a disposal site, as it will only scuttle around and worry you with the possibility that it could escape into various hiding places. Instead, choose a hard surface beneath or beside the arachnid and swiftly smack it into this surface with the ruler. Hard surfaces are recommended for their effectiveness in killing on impact, and can also be easily wiped down with rag and water or disinfectant.
6. Spiders on the ceiling are traditionally difficult adversaries, as they generally involve getting up on a chair and putting your face uncomfortably close in order to squish it with a magazine.
7. Special Guide Alternative to 6: Acquire a Swiffer dust mop, or flat-headed, long-handled cleaning utensil alternative. Attach one of the dust mop catch-cloths meant for gathering dust and crumbs off the floor, as this will make cleaning the utensil easier. If the user is hesitant to waste a catch-cloth, a paper towel can be used instead. Position yourself on the floor at a diagonal from the ceiling, as the user may be uncomfortable standing directly beneath. Keeping a good grip on the end of the handle, bring the utensil upside-down, so the handle points to the floor. Use the flat head to smash the target. You need only strike once; it wonít know what hit it. Users may choose one of two stances, Showman or Excalibur. Showman users hold the utensil with two hands, and sweep the head towards the floor before coming up in an arc to make the hit. This is recommended if the user requires momentum to finish the deed. More experienced users may prefer the Excalibur method: set your feet apart, brandishing the Swiffer already flipped in one hand, and thrust like freeing the mythic blade of legend, with a quick, upward blow and a wild battle cry. Note: The author prefers 7 to 6, and Excalibur to Showman.
8. Ants can be finished off with a few well-directed shots of household cleaner. While this is a quick fix for explorers, it indicates an ant infestation, for which you may need to set up poison. Donít waste ammo on a single ant, and instead aim for groups. Note: The author uses Fantastik, though Windex makes a good substitute.
9. USB drives with hard plastic covers make good hammers for extremely small areas, such as crowded desks where an empty water bottle may not fit without breaking something. It is good for small insects that do not move very fast. Use the back end, away from the cap, so that you can push it off for washing without touching the insectís body or bodily fluids, or at the very least not get water inside the delicate machineryís opening by the cap.
10. Beetles, if you are unable or unwilling to find a shoe, can be slain with a well-aimed dead battery. Your throw requires less force than it does dexterity. You need only strike once. Warning: If beetle is on carpet, both battery and beetle may bounce two feet in the air on impact. It may startle you with its height and the fact that this actually worked. Carapace might also break and reveal white insides.
...Created 2010-04-24 15:00:35 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ]