Journal: Trying so hard
-------------------------------------------Mood: Paranoid and Void
Lately, I haven't seem to focus. I can pretend to be happy when truely on the inside theres this void.
There's so many things that can be easily fixed but people tend to make them complicated. Specially, him.
For the longest time, I would always just jump into a relationship not using my head, nor my heart. And in the end, I wouldn't have what I need, or who I want.
Now, I met the person that I need, that I want. But there's so many things that keep me guessing. Doubting not just him but myself. I can't tell if it's just me being paranoid or there is a good reason to feel like this.
When we talk, whether it be online or in person, everything that is just wrong at that moment in life for me seems to disappear. The focus comes and I can see clearly.
It's bad enough that I have pressures from my family, my friends, my school and most of all from my daughter. But to add the pressure of trying to be the best for him is starting to break down this wall.
Like the twin towers, both inside me and outside me are soon to crumble.
At times, I'll be in the shower and just zone out and next thing I know I'm crying. I don't know how long I can keep this terrific act up, till someone see's the breaks within this shell of mine.
I don't know how to get directions to the life I want, with the ones I want. I lost myself and I need someone to find me.
...Created 2008-06-26 12:00:03 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ] |
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