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so I have a boyfriend, named Lynell. And of course, Navarr's still in the picture but as my "best friend." I mark the term this way because I don't think we are really best friends. I can't talk to him about too many things that are important to me. But sometimes, there are those rare times when he makes it okay to tell him things only to get shit about it all and to be made to feel like crap when it was a decision that could have been worse. One that I did my best to make as harmless as possible. Watching my id and superego have it out. But he feels he must be my superego's big helper. wtf? if I needed you to bash me for it I would have mentioned my doubts or upsets or I would have flat out asked you what you thought!
I'm changing... I'm definitely not the person he met and unfortunately for him, the parts of myself that remain are the parts that I'd well hidden from him to appease him in the past. Why do I care what he thinks of me? He does not define me. I define me.
There is a chance, of course, that he reminds me of the standards and everything so that I be not lost entirely from that which I originally claimed to believe and uphold...

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want. And I SURE as hell don't know where I'm going. The black and white's divinding line of who I was and of right and wrong is dwindling quickly. How do I find myself? How do I figure out what I want and how to get it?
I'm so lost and confused and scared that I MUST take it day by day which is conflicting what I assumed -and assume- to be my nature to plan far ahead.

I hate the a**holes that will tell me that this is because I am out of touch with God as I am VERY aware of this and HATE being told what I'm doing wrong when I already know. (probably because it means that you noticed. imperfections are not only something I strive to avoid but also to conceal).
Everytime I try and talk to God, I feel like crap. Why? not entirely sure. I know that I don't feel worthy and I know the stereotypical christian responce to that statement but it doesn't help me any. Telling me shit I already know doesn't help me any. UGH!!! I'm just super aggrivated because I WANT to talk to him and I WANT to ... as I think to write the words "make things right" I get this awful feeling inside. This tells me that I do not want to give up what I'm doing as much as I think I do. That *Satan* doesn't want me to give up what I'm doing.

*sigh* more time for revelations shall come later.