-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
I'd like to get to know my mother. She's a complete stranger to me. I've cast her as the villain in my story. Part of this is her fault, she has fit the role quite easily. Part of this is my fault, since I've tacked some of my shortcomings on to her.
Regardless, I'd like to get to know her. I want to see who she truly is behind all the noise. She seems so strange to me at times. It's unfair how I treat her but its reactive. I don't give her the benefit of her opinion anymore because she's hurt me in the past, with only her words. In my mind, I imagine a scenario and assign her her dialogue (based on past interactions). I don't know if she would ever sway away from this performance but so far she has fit the role to a tee.
I've cast her as the villain and its hard to give her another role. Does she deserve it? Am I being dramatic? Does she deserve better? Probably yes.
However, I'm weak and I need defense. Sometimes I feel like we're in a dictatorship in my home, everyone is a prisoner of the whims of this one person. Its exhausting to guess what mood she will be in and how it'll affect those around her. She seems to hold no consideration for her words, and hurls them at you even if you're defenseless. I've seen the damage of her words, of her moods or her sole presence.
I don't hold many happy memories to her and the ones that I do are deeply cherished. Sometimes I feel like I do hate her and I wonder how exaggerated i'm being. I wonder why I can't be fair and wonder how hard it must be deal with me too. Am I causing her to be this way? Would life be better for them without me there?
...Created 2018-02-01 15:50:00 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ]