--Elite Writer Alias: lauren hamill Name: Jane Doe ASL: 24/f/can't say really. Website:[ Website ] Days Away: 5098 Life Story: a starving artist [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 1 Forum Posts: 5 Shoutbox Posts: 0 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 5218 D 14.3 Years 1.43 Decades 173.93 Months 745.43 Weeks 5.218000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman
Thanks for your comment Lauren. I will be definitely considering your poetic thought process when it's times to mature this piece further. I agree that this would be better poetically if it were formatted into stanzas also.
As it is it is still a very RAW and original piece that needs to grow and it will eventually with the help of your input and others.
Thanks Lauren 8)
i like this style, and i like the idea. i like very much your comment on society and consumerism. i would have to agree. i would give one suggestion, however. to me between the lines "societal provocation" and "passed buck"...it seems like there should be a break. for me, there is a change in the flow and it seems like there should be a bit of a pause. and, i think those three lines (the two before societal provocation, maybe should be their own stanza, making the poem three). however, that is just my opinion. it's the way i read it. nice!
Thanks for commenting on Hearts and Thoughts they fade, fade away. Actually maybe taking into consideration the situation being portrayed in the poem, it would not be at all unusual for me to want to use an unflowing diction and syntax to serve the poem some justice. Poetry does not al have to be sing songy, and rythmic for it to convey its purpose.
thanx for the comment. i know it got a little weak at the end. i tried something different, something sharper and more sticato, but i dont know how it works. again, thanx for the comment.
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