Journal: Change....
-------------------------------------------Mood: Devastated...
Change is never easy. We fight to hold on, and yet we fight to let go. I want to hold on because, it's everything I've ever known. It's been the best part of my life, for, my whole life. I've put everything I had into this. I WANT to hang on. And yet...I WANT to let go. I want it all to be over. I don't want to be tired anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I want the tears to stop. I want to move on. I want to let go of what is so obviously not going to work. I want it to be easy. And it's not. It's harder than the last time and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I let you go once....it's so hard to ask my heart to do it again. I live where we lived. I sleep where we slept. And every day is a constant reminder of what we lost. Alone is a feeling I hadn't felt in a very long time. And now, it's all I feel. I felt so whole and now I feel empty. I'm just so tired of being sad. As happy as you made me, God the circumstances of us just made me so sad a lot of the time. I just want to let you go and not be sad anymore. But I feel like if I let you go, I lose some part of my happiness too. I need to let go, but all I want is to have you here. It's like I want you to help get me through this, but I know in my heart I have to get mySELF through it. .....I miss what we had. I miss our love. I miss the good of what we had. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish we could just magically be the people we need each other to be. ....I just want it to be easy. But nothing ever is.
So when I want to reach for you in the middle of the night, I guess I tell myself to stop. And when I think I hear your feet on the stairs, I guess I tell myself I'm crazy. When my phone rings and I want to hear your voice, I'll tell myself to keep dreaming. When I start thinking that we actually could have been happy, I need to stop fooling myself, and when I think that it will NEVER get easier and I'll always feel this way, I'll just remember that nothing ever stays the same. We didn't stay the same. We changed. And so will this. This too will change, and I'll feel like smiling again. This too will change, and my life the way I want it to be, will finally begin. My only regret is that somehow that life, ended up not involving you. .....Change is never easy. We fight to hang on, and yet we fight to let go.
...Created 2009-10-09 21:26:02 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ] |
)
Last 20 Submissions
