Journal: For A Reason
-------------------------------------------Mood: The Usual
Everything happens for a reason. I've told myself that for as long as I can remember. My dad says it a lot actually. I pretty much base my entire life upon that statement. I guess I've just found that over the years, especially these last few, I've become more religious than I ever thought of being. Everything happens for a reason. And those things happen, because they are God's will. God tests us. He sends down these challenges to make us better, stronger people. Very rarely do we ever understand the reason....I know I don't. I just take comfort in knowing that if God has brought me to it, He will also bring me THROUGH it. He would do nothing, He would put nothing in my life that I am not capable of handling. I've always been a thinker though. I have to know WHY. I can't take anything for what it is. In my mind, there must always be more. There's some things going on in my life lately, that have forced me to ask "why" EVERY DAY. And I got thinking back to other times in my life, when I could not for the life of me understand why certain things were happening. Sometimes...later on...I found my answer. Some other times...well let's just say I'm still waiting. So I guess now that I feel overwhelmed with needing to know why....I look back to everything I've already gotten through...
- Why him? Why can't I remember him? Why so young? It's been 18 years yesterday, and I don't have a single memory. God I can't wait to see him again. He'll be my best friend in Heaven just like he was on Earth. :)
- Why did you bring him to me...only to take him away? Why did you show me love...why did I find love with a man....that was leaving?
- Why are you sending him THERE? Anywhere but there....
- Why did you take them? Why ALL of them? Why couldn't have everything that morning been different? Why did you need them so young? I find no reason in something so horrible.
- Why did you bring him back to me? Why did you give me more years with him...if you were only going to have him leave me again? Why did you make me fall so completely in love, only to just...let me fall.
And Finally....
- Why did this happen to him? God, why couldn't it have happened to me? I really would switch places with him in a second. Why so much pain? Why so bad? Why so close? Why...did it happen at all?
- Why...if you thought I needed to hurt that badly...if I needed to go through all that pain, and all that heartbreak. Why if it was so necessary...why did you let me start to heal? Why did you let me feel again? Why did you do ALL of that...only to make me feel like my world is crashing down again? Why couldn't the end ...just have been the end? Why are you bringing him back? To torture me ...to SHOW me what I'm missing...to MAKE me sad. To bring feelings back just to have to get over them again? Or are you bringing the greatest thing that ever happened to me back here for something good? For something that always should have been? .....
I do not BLAME God. I do not CURSE God. I love God and I accept everything he has done in my life. I just do NOT understand everything. I don't always see the purpose...and maybe I never will. I trust Him...I'll give it all to Him...and I will let him guide me ...no matter what. I will live life and whatever happens...is exactly how it is supposed to happen. It all happens for a reason.
...Created 2008-07-12 19:44:43 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ] |
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