--Elite Writer Alias: lynn marsters Name: Lynn Marsters ASL: 20/f/canada Website:[ Education ] Days Away: 45 Life Story: Summarize. [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 0 Forum Posts: 9 Shoutbox Posts: 0 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 1377 D 3.77 Years 0.38 Decades 45.9 Months 196.71 Weeks 1.37700e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: "I made degenerate art for the religious right on the day that you were born" The Tragically Hip
Oh, you poor dear! To thank me so for that completely worthless comment! (On Estoria.) But I know how it goes on ES. Sometimes comments are hard to find and you're just glad somebody said ANYTHING! I'm really sorry that my comment wasn't more helpful. I'm at a loss. mae
don't think you need to junk it, just revise. you've got a good start here, but abstract terms like you use don't evoke anything in the reader. if i'm sad i might say 'waterfalls line my eyes.' if i'm angry i might say 'heart boils over.' whatever you write make sure it's your voice and not cpoying somebody. by the same token it helps to read other poetry (dickenson would be a good place to start) and keep evolving what you're trying to say.
I think you should leave the very last line out and keep it at fall in to the waters it sounds better that way because it sounds like there should be abother stanza with the very last line
Thanks for the comments on "Hallowed Wall." the fact that it gripped you from the very start was a nice confidence-booster for me in my writing. Thank you.
Thank you again for the kind words for "What we never said".
There is a more arful way o express what I was thinking, but I am not sure how to go about doing that. If I eer seek publication I will clean it up. Until then, I can just think on it.
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