mercywraith

Damn being lonely. It sucks. It gives you too much time to live insdie your head and torture yourself with goals never accomplished, dreams never realized, and forbidden fantasies.I think the latter one makes me feel worse, though. It makes me feel guilty for fantasizing. I do have a love in my life, my fiance of 5 years, but he pretty much lives on the road. I live ina small town that isnt really freindly to its neighbors, so I dont get out much. I am from up north, and have been transplanted for the last 5 years down SOuth, where the pace of life slows down a bit, and you have time to get bored, to get lonely.

My other half is on the road again tonight as I wrote this, working 12 hour days, dilligently saving up for our wedding. He works so hard, and of all things I love about him most, I love that I can trust him, and I love knowing that he trusts me. He is gentle, kind, and just the right kind of weird mixed in there for spice.

So why do I fantasize when Im so alone? I love my man, hes so good to me. But sometimes my mind wonders, and I wish for things that should never be. Is it even worth my emotional energy wasted over its contemplation? Yet, I cant stop...its the same one, or variations of it, over and over..

I am realising that emotions have more power than logic, and that you can not turn them off, no matter how hard you will them away. Its not like being an empath, whre you feel the thoughts and pain, joys as emotions of others. With emotional empathy with others, you can shield yourself and tune it out. Not so when the emotion is your very own. I am trying not to be defined by my emotions, but I am finding that is how I live my life, and how I find charachter in others, how I relate to them emotionally, and vice versa.

But I blather. I am just sitting here trying to awaken my muse, and sometimes that involves opening up to that forbidden fantasy. Emotions are a wonderful charge for words, so maybe I will torment myself in the guilty high of fantasy and word play...