Favorites: 0 Forum Posts: 6 Shoutbox Posts: 262 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 6036 D 16.54 Years 1.65 Decades 201.2 Months 862.29 Weeks 6.036000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. Walt Whitman.
I was going through my favorites list and saw a couple from years ago from you. Decided to check out your page. I was shocked that you had actually been here recently, though sadly all the favorites I marked are long since deleted. Hope all is well and that you're still writing.
piano intro pushes over
a cement floor; the heavy shape
of emotion moves in like shade
at six o'clock.
poised white talons
expands air in the room
blows the dust apart
and raises every hair.
It's more of a syntax/grammar rearrangement thing... also, maybe, having to re-enjamb lines to accomodate for the changes...
At the same time, 'ing' suffixes give it movement; I think the idea is balance between that and relying on it too heavily.
I know the feeling... excess baggage. I've got another alias on this site, too (which I hardly check).
On a purely nitpicky note regarding your post (which I was going to mention in my last comment to you but decided not to... yes, I think you could ditch a few 'ing' suffixes also, so that it's more compact, and more present-tense. It's something I've been taught by a wise lady (nansofast on this site) which really works. Sure, do it when necessary, but try to take them out--it's the message I got anyway.