--Elite Writer Alias: nikita2u Name: Nicole Roscoe** ASL: 26 Female Wonderlandlust Bio: [ Quick Bio ] Website:[ Website ] Days Away: 152 Life Story: Dizzy Frog [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 60 Forum Posts: 1 Shoutbox Posts: 85 RP Posts: 40132 Signup Date: 5342 D 14.64 Years 1.46 Decades 178.07 Months 763.14 Weeks 5.342000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour~William Blake
I've been playing a metric ton of valorant, rimworld, sims (I feel like this one is just a function of how depressed I am), phone games. I've been wrangling my coworkers into playing words with friends with me just so I can maintain some kind of working relationship without... ever seeing them.
Management is slow with speaking the facts that we already see, but it seems like we'll be doing work from home until at least the end of the year. A lot of what maintained those relationships was not that we worked together, because we all essentially have individual workloads, but that we spent all of our down time "together." Except that's not there anymore. It's so much effort and sometimes I feel like I'm fighting and pulling teeth with people who, at work, were super chill to talk to.
It's hard to have hobbies at the moment, especially new ones, because I'm not a project person. But I've started taking pictures again (and wanting to buy a god damn short lens, why is photography like this). I've had to resort to buying things online to maintain my finger strength and all that, because rock climbing isn't accessible at the moment.
The weather has been absolutely amazing lately. That like slightly too hot, lazy, warm all the way into your lungs kind of summer weather. I love it, despite how uncomfortable it makes me feel. The sun. My cats love it. Being able to be outside.
Nothing really stands out about my days. I feel like the quarantine has crippled me. I get this feeling that I'm emotionally weak, or like overly sensitive at the moment. I used to be able to watch things like saw and be disconnected from the gory content, but now, some show pans a shot of the earth in outer space and I'm suffocating internally. It's not even a relatable object. That being said, I had this spicy exchange with somebody the other day and it made me feel like a high school boy, like all kinds of excited.
So I don't really write anymore, and I get what you mean. It isn't competition, reading and being read that I miss... I just don't feel like I can believe in the weight of my words anymore. Like one of the topics I used to circle around a lot conceptually when I was writing was the dialogue of meaning within words (how they can hold so much while also seemingly being devoid of any content). I grew up with those ideas, but they were just ideas, and I always figured when things would happen, when experiences would be accrued, and so on, I could fill those ideas up with heavy content. Escape the ego. Whatever. overcome writing by writing. It's all just silly to me now. So much so that when I think about writing, I feel the want, but when I give myself the time and the tools... it's just not a thing.
I used to read a lot, but I hate it because it felt like I was wasting my time with other people's ideas and that I had so many of my own to share. Now I prefer reading. I'll read the most boring books you can imagine, as long as they're well written.
I think I mentioned my father passed, and I may not have mentioned this, but my brother jumped off the wagon a while ago. I do live with/near my mom. A lot of the post-university time was spent trying to fix things. I don't think I'm a whole new person for it, but I'm definitely a lot more at peace with myself, or at least my past. I actually stopped dating around the time my father died. I felt fragile. I mean I still do. I just don't know if I'm ready for it. I never did get married though. The idea of it seems like an archaic relic to me, still. If I find a person I care about, all I really care about is being with that person: papers, ceremonies, whatever, wouldn't change that. Not to me. It's not like I would never do it, I just wouldn't of my own accord, or for myself.
I don't think I'm happy, but at the moment I can't really say I would be even if I was because of the whole self-isolation stuff. In other terms, I haven't really had a strong appetite for the better part of two years. I pushed that a bit with fasting because I thought eventually my body would wake up and feel it. It's just that sometimes I feel like I know what I want from life, and other times, it's just nothingness. I can tell when I come to the latter because in my mind I start giving too much time to certain things, and writing off days for it. I feel like if you care, on some level, you'll give thought to improving those things rather than resigning yourself to them.
I'm not anywhere near done with my original plans concerning school, but in the same beat, I am done with school for now. I love the academic environment, I don't think that'll ever change, but for the life of me I get so sick and tired of school politics.
I'm not doing anything I would've ever guessed myself to be doing as a child, or even 4 years ago. It's not a good thing, but it's not a bad thing either. It's just life, sometimes. I work in tax law "interpretation". It's exactly as terribly boring as it sounds.
I mostly don't want for too much, especially traveling. I'm just waiting to grow old and die. It's not a sad thing though, I don't think. I'm sure my wait will be full of surprises.
What about you? School? Married? Have a kid? Travel much? Make any new friends these days? Do you still write much ?