--Elite Writer Alias: ollie_wicked Name: Ollie Wicked ASL: 27?FEarth Bio: [ Quick Bio ] Website:[ Website ] Days Away: 1 Life Story: Like any other [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 17 Forum Posts: 1 Shoutbox Posts: 0 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 5542 D 15.18 Years 1.52 Decades 184.73 Months 791.71 Weeks 5.542000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: Find a place to stand, and move the world- my fortune cookie
I knew that episode was going to be triggering. But I watched it anyway. And I search things I don't want to and I feel things I don't want to. It's going to be a wine and sad poetry night.
I'm thirty. And this is stupid. Isn't there supposed to be an age cap on emotional baggage? An expiration date on trauma? Someday I won't have to think these thoughts and feel these feelings right? I wish I could afford to go back to therapy. My therapist. Not someone new. I miss her.
Its ok. I live for long messages from best friends I haven't had the privilege of speaking to in months.
I understand now, and its fine. I am not mad at you and I haven't been for a long time. I wasn't mad in the beginning because I figured you had a reason but I got mad as time went by because I couldn't think of a reason for you to not want to talk to me and I felt like you were angry at me and I got mad back because I didn't understand. But then I just stopped being mad again because it wasn't helping.
I can understand why sometimes you might think you are better off without me. I won't say I have never thought the same but I have never once really wanted you gone.
And ever since you left, all i wanted was for you to take me back. Every word from you was a weird personal victory.
Take as much time as you need, just don't leave me.
Richard laughed by the way.
It was an important time for me.
It was a huge thing and I hated that I couldn't talk to you about it. I knew you'd be one of the only people who would understand that I had waited and that this wasn't just some thing to me because if it was, i would have done it before.
I thought about calling you. But I couldn't think of a non-dumb way to talk to you.
I never knew you just needed time. I thought you just needed for me to not be around. And I thought that we weren't talking because of madness, not you needing distance. I can understand that better. What I couldn't understand was you just not talking to me, obviously angry, and out of nowhere, not being my friend at all. I didn't get it, I didn't know what to do because I knew you wouldn't want me to try and talk to you about it.
I didn't want to guilt trip you or piss you off or anything like that. I wanted to hit some nerve in you that would make you say something.
All I ever wanted to know was that you would come back.
I know sometimes you don't see it but I need you. I dont need you to love me to the point of craziness or to want me or whatever the [censored] but I need to know that at the end of the day when I am falling apart, the part of you that loves me is still there.
I didn't know that. I didn't know you needed time or space. I thought all you needed was for me to be gone.