rawrlikeme

i have a kid and a girl that needs taking care of. i got too attached to some people here. i left without saying goodbye, i know. i must seem like a real cunt for that but i had to grow up.

and this doesn't mean i'll be coming back. this is really just an explanation for the few of you i did care for.

dru, you were a good friend to me even if i didn't believe you at times. you were still good to me and i appreciate it.

ashmanda, i love you kid. and yes, more than azilla. you know, mika told me how much you looked up to you and i know at times i let you down and i'm sorry for that. but my little evil companion, i should have been the one that looked up to you. you're a smart girl and you're gonna do something with your life. i dunno but i know you're gonna make me proud. or some sappy bullocks like that.

my emi, you were a sweetheart and to tell you the truth i always had this crush on you. i tried to forget about it after some body told me how old you were but...

you're probably the only girl i'd go pedo for. you're just so fuckin' adorable. i actually found myself missing you from time to time.

mika, aye... i'm sorry for just leaving and not giving you any warning. i meant it when i said i loved you, and i still do love you. i miss you a hell of a lot and i'm always thinking of you. but i think that me fading out of the picture is best because you know, you've steven and you love each other. and i don't want to fuck that up. [well if you're still with the bloke] but i sometimes felt like i was intruding. and i hope to god i never made you feel guilty or any thing like that because i did kind of put you the spot. i never meant to do that. like i'm not apologizing for loving you but i guess for telling you, i suppose. i know you didn't love me the way i did you but i was alright with it. i guess i was just always happy enough to know you. but i love you and well that's it. good luck, my little mail order bride.

and finally, max, i don't know why you looked up to me. i wasn't a hero or saint but...

i'm just sorry. i failed you the most. i loved you then i loathed you. i don't know why. i cared for you then i could care less about you. i've never had such a change of feelings for a person, ever. i'm not going to sugar coat things for you here but i've had nasty words about you as well as nice ones.

i don't know what it is exactly but it feels like passion. if that makes sense. i'll try to explain it to you but it'll be difficult. out of all the people on es and all the people in my life i'd never lusted after any body so much as i did you. i'm not sure why but something about you drove me absolutely mad. and whether or not i loved or hated you at any given time, i loved or hated you with passion. you were like a drug to me. you were the reason i came to es so frequently and you were the reason i left es. there was a time when i didn't see you as much and i missed you so hard. ...i don't even know what to say. but something about you ignites something inside me. i craved you so fucking much and honestly, you still are a craving to me. all i can say is that i always wanted to just fuck you up and i don't even mean in a sexual way... well i mean i'd enjoy that... uhm... shut up oli.

i just wanted to tear you the fuck apart. you looked up to me so much and for some reason i just found pleasure at the thought of fucking that image of me up. i wanted to fuck you and brian up. i don't know why but i wanted to make you miserable.

and i suppose i fucked you by vanishing but that wasn't the way i intended to fuck you up.

but, as much as i honestly have to grit my teeth while saying it, i also wanted you to be solely mine. just thinking about you gets all this hate and lust and passion [and possibly even southern regions] all riled up.

uhm. i still hate you and i still want you. and i guess in some animalistic and territorial, fucked up way, i love you.

but i can't have you. i've this life i've gotta live. brendenn and bella are it, my life. i owe brendenn everything and bella as well.

so thats it. the end and the official goodbye.

good luck to all of you, and i love ya.