I appreciate your honesty and sincere comments on "Redemption". And it was wrote to someone. The block text was actually accidental from being copied over. But I'm glad it lent itself to the feeling of the poetry.
Thanks for your comments on Eddies and (Let\'s Not Talk About It). I appreciate you leaving a comment on Eddies, even if just to say you stopped by to read it. It means no less, that\'s for sure!
I do have an original of (Let\'s Not Talk About It) written in a book. I have been to this poem several times since posting it, and have revised a bit here and there. Unfortunately I didn\'t keep each revision, but here is the original, for comparison purposes:
Let us not bring into memory
The shady lanes of the past
Labyrinthine paths descending,
Winding down those cool trails
That stretch into oblivion.
Let\'s not talk about the wasted nights
I spent entangled in his
(clinging tendrils strangling)
Entombed in the warmth of trapped air and moisture;
One raindrop tear hanging softly from
Wrapped together with
A drop of blood against velvety petals
And tied in red ribbons.
Let us not elaborate
Upon the moments I spent
In the comforting arms of madness
Let me not tell you
How many moons I never saw
Because my eyes were closed
A single shaft of light
Was all that remained
Leading to this day,
Let us not talk about
What brought us together
Or the distance that separates your life
From my own:
You, with your miners\' cap,
Holding my gold before you.
It was from this sketch that I got what I have now. I do like the long lines, because I don\'t like half-saying things either. There are too many acronyms and short forms of things as it is without me adding to them, and I think you are right about this helping to set a serious tone.
I think you may be right about postponing the \"I\" part until the end too. I will definitely work on this one some more, because I think it has the potential to say a lot, but I\'m really not happy with it either.
Usually I only like my poetry after it\'s aged. That gives me the opportunity to see it more objectively and apply changes where they are needed. I haven\'t really liked anything I\'ve written recently, (this was not quite a year ago) and have been sensing limitations not so much in my ability to write but the process I use. I\'m trying to move into using a little more head and a little less heart, that is, not just writing what and when the mood strikes but also conceiving the ideas first or doing exercises in style and form that will stretch my writing muscles.
This is something I wrote with a specific person and situation in mind, which in a way makes it harder. I\'ve always chosen people who were bad for me, so the focus was always on them. Now it\'s different, and though I look forward to the getting-to-know-you stuff, it can be scary too... I want to say something like \"I hate the fact that I made mistakes, but had I not chosen what I did, we would never have met, (and also) there are things I have been through that I\'d rather hide, but I know eventually I\'ll need to tell some of them, just be gentle, don\'t pry too much and I will open up, because I don\'t give my trust away like candy anymore\" something like that. I am normally a very self-disclosing person and though I think this is a good quality to have in a loving relationship, (because it\'s like vulnerability meets honesty to me) more harm than good has come to me by being this way.
Hello there :) I very much apprteciated your comments on Double XXL. I actually got the name from the lyrics from a song by Eminem :s I appreciate your honesty and I hate my cliché'd endings. I would appreciate any input you have about being a damn sight more original! Many thanks.
Its the mixing of:
boiling, thought and birth - and the breaking out of the shell/rebirth
Bubbles/boils - Mothers are the origin, but at the same time an origin always illudes us and dissipates. The thoughts are revolving around the eternal recurrence from a Nietzschean thinking, which lets us install an origin in the moment, and as it is installed it always already was there.
The 'crack' from us might work, but then the sound and articulation of the line needs to be completely redone - which I will try, thanks ;) - reading it has to have the 'boiling/bubbling' feel to it but could turn into a 'crackling' read, I will see if it works.
Nails - fingernails but also with the connotations to nails being hammered through walls.
I will remember to leave you a note when there is any progression to the text.
Anywho, thanks for the comment, it helped a lot, and I will not forget to return the favor.
Thanks so much for 'consonance & dissonance'...
for pointing out what worked for you in the piece, what you got out of it, how you interacted...the works. Thank you, too, for adding it to your favorites. This is a write that I'm not too sure about the writing itself, but the subject is definitely close to my heart. So thank you again.
Also...I notice you've been on the site for a long time. I've been here too for about five years, back then as Storm of Bliss.