--Elite Writer Alias: sadtrapofgravit Name: Rachel * ASL: 103.f.wa Bio: [ Quick Bio ] Website:[ Website ] Days Away: 2175 Life Story: Volatile [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 38 Forum Posts: 3 Shoutbox Posts: 2 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 5790 D 15.86 Years 1.59 Decades 193 Months 827.14 Weeks 5.790000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: one can never be sure whether it's good poetry or bad acid
So I'm going to copy and paste your comment otherwise I'll never remember everything you said and won't be able to reply to everything sufficiently, hehe.
"The dark girl thinks in cadence...
cadence with what? a pumping motion? or maybe the baboon? these are what i imagined anyway. but still i think it's unclear. (hmmm on second thought, i suppose this is really meant for a multiple read-through (not in the sense that this is so good that it should be read multiple times (it is), but more in the sense that you'll miss things the first time around and you really need that second, third, fourth, time (not a bad thing, but probably discouraging to most readers, if you are, in fact, aiming to write for the reader (retch). therefore; on second thought, i get what you mean in cadence. in cadence to her surroundings, waterpump, baboon, and all)"
I meant as she's pumping the water, her thoughts fall in tune with the pumping and the water that's gushing out intermittently. Which is why I didn't end it like "The dark girl thinks in cadence" because I wanted it to flow to the rest to the sentence to clarify what she was doing, and how it affected her own thinking. Sometimes, I'm terribly sloppy with phrasing and write one thing but mean something else and so if you can think of better phrasing so that this is more clear, without spoonfeeding it, I would really appreciate it.
"also: i don't know if you like it or not, but something about really long, description-filled openings makes me cringe. i think it's too much to give a reader all at once. like starting a new job and being handed an assignment without first even being told where the bathroom is
but that's just how i see it."
Description-filled openings make me come, haha. Of course, if it's just WAYYY too much and filler filler borderline nonsensical and over-killed or over-done, then yes, it is annoying. However, I don't know how you see this in this very, very, very short write, where the beginning is not even a substantial paragraph in length? Part of what I think is that I don't care to cater to the reader. It's a dance of two people of sorts, pick any romantic one, and it would look odd if I danced alone. I invite the audience to dance with me but there's a fine line. If I [censored] up my own rhythm, of course, then I can't ask the reader to dance like me, can I? So that's when revision comes in handy. But how do I utilize what you said without spoonfeeding the reader? I hate the idea of that, and I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at, so please clarify? This will all help when I tell the whole story. :)
"also also: i would (personally) be 80 times more intrigued if the sentence ended at "The dark girl thinks in cadence." Period. there are two points of interest (three, really), for the reader to pick up on--the girl is dark (status detail), she's thinking (about what?), and she is thinking in cadence (again--what does this mean?)."
I think I covered this already but if you still have questions let me know.
i dunno, but i'm a big big fan of the opening, i just feel a little weighed down with how long it is presently (.....opinionopinionopinionopinion......)"
It's not even a full paragraph. Not even half a page. The whole write isn't even half a page. I'm confused.
"...as her eyes set upon the central pump, the mouth of its spout speaking in water.
(ohh, i love that delicious line over there. no, over to the right. the mouth of its spout speaking in water... mmm).
do you need the detail that it is the "central" pump? i am picturiing a cluster of pumps and this one is in the center, like an arrangement of flowers. but i've never been to india. logically, i would assume it's like the village center pump or something but as it is, i think if you got rid of central, or added in something that clarified/explained the significance, it would be pretty cool."
Imagine this open courtyard with dirt red brick and stone and the only thing you find in the center is a water pump. It's specified as central because I guess since it's responsible for the girl thinking in cadence or whatever, it becomes central to her, and it is in the center of the courtyard.
I don't know if any of this comes out in the write. I honestly thought it did. Maybe I need to step back and re-assess the write because I thought these very basic ideas were obvious, but apparently not. So if you could give me specifics as to how to make things clearer without spoonfeeding or dumbing things down (I know, I know how that makes me sound, shoot me), then please let me in on it because I feel like this is a story worth telling.
Phew. I rarely reply in length like this. But I felt compelled to because you spent time with the poem. But now the ball's in your court. Thank you very, very much for your time. :)