--Elite Writer Alias: tZar Name: Thomas ASL: 30/M Website:[ Education ] Days Away: 3 Life Story: Moments [ Ignore User ] Favorites: 16 Forum Posts: 44 Shoutbox Posts: 0 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 1508 D 4.13 Years 0.41 Decades 50.27 Months 215.43 Weeks 1.508000e+8 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: I am not a poet [ Communicate asdf ] Recent Favorites: DEATH ON A PARK BENCH by hanuman three-day-skin by isabella A Flare To Blacken Stars by Fade ElBrunen The Killing Tree - an edit of Mercy's Gate by Crutch 'So Many Sparrows' by alteredlife View all Faves [ + RSS ] [ + Google It ] [ + My Yahoo ]

Journal: Comenting -------------------------------------------Mood: Relaxing    Need a comment on anything you have written? I would love to comment, but the fact is that I do not get around on the site enough to find all the new and wonderful texts. Therefore, if you would like me to comment on a piece, just leave a short message and I will look at you writing. I myself probably will not be posting anything new in the near future. I am writing on some five different texts, but they are fragmented and on in such an early stage that it would not make any sense to post them. I should suspect needing your help in a month or so ;-) -tZar ...Created 2009-06-24 06:32:22     [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ]

Last 20 Submissions  Oasis :|| V: 52 | C: 0 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  By the entrance :|| V: 79 | C: 3 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Breakfast in the Kitchen :|| V: 124 | C: 3 ||: ::Love : Class : Poetry :  Now imagine :|| V: 309 | C: 7 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Sunrise :|| V: 228 | C: 3 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Metamorphosis :|| V: 294 | C: 1 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Morning in the fall :|| V: 295 | C: 9 ||: ::Love : Class : Misc :  Summer evening :|| V: 262 | C: 5 ||: ::Love : Class : Poetry :  Period :|| V: 258 | C: 8 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Red Rain :|| V: 302 | C: 2 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Grazed by accident :|| V: 323 | C: 5 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  A dream of old age :|| V: 312 | C: 5 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Recordings :|| V: 295 | C: 2 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  All my friends and... :|| V: 357 | C: 1 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  racist confession :|| V: 1195 | C: 11 ||: ::Misc : Class : Poetry :  Euphoria :|| V: 341 | C: 5 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Smoking :|| V: 359 | C: 5 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  New Year is :|| V: 406 | C: 4 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  NYC fragments #1 :|| V: 360 | C: 2 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :  Candle :|| V: 377 | C: 2 ||: ::Serious : Class : Poetry :

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I KNOW I've added an unstressed syllable to the end of a FEW lines (not "several".) If u think this is "wrong" then explain why, instead of just sounding condescending. I usually respond pretty well to feedback, but vague criticisms annoy me. I know exactly what the metre of the piece is, so there's no point saying "go and have another look", as I know what the metre is. Also, if you look at "The Lady of Shallot" (I'm sure you've heard of it), you'll see the metre in this fluctuates a lot, without seeming to follow an exact "pattern".

| Posted on 2009-07-13 12:43:28 | by alexboy - [ Reply to This ] -

I have looked again at the metre of Nutrition (although I really didn't need to.) As I said, I have added an unstressed syllable to the beginning of some lines. The only thing I can assume you mean is that I haven't added a syllable to every line, but there is no need. If I added a syllable to every line, then it would change the metre altogether, as it would go from trochees to iambs. As far as "stating the obvious" goes, people on this site like to get feedback regarding content, so to hear someone say "I'm guessing this was an irony poem..", or "Ah, a Petrachan Sonnet..." is useful, as it shows they understood what the writer was trying to do. With "Nutrition" it was content feedback I was looking 4, as that's what I was unsure of. However it seems no one had a problem with that side of things.

| Posted on 2009-07-06 11:09:32 | by alexboy - [ Reply to This ] -

Hey mate, Thanks 4 your comments on "Nurition". Sorry it's taken me ages to get back, been off site a while. You are wrong about the flow. It is written in trochaic trimeter. As far as "/x/x/, x/x/x/" goes (or /-/-/, as I put it) this is perfectly acceptable, as I have placed an unstressed syllable at the start of some of the lines. This is standard practice in poetry. As far as the rhyme goes, it is written in half-rhyme (assonance, as opposed to consonance.) I think what's interesting is that no one seemed to realise that it was an irony poem. Anyway, cheers.

| Posted on 2009-07-04 10:27:14 | by alexboy - [ Reply to This ] -

well hi there and thanks. (smile).

| Posted on 2009-06-23 20:59:15 | by isabella - [ Reply to This ] -

I thank you most kindly for you crit. I made a few adjustments, and will of course reciprocate your kindness. In the meanwhile, I'd ask if you have the time to pop in and take a second gander. Thanks, KRG

| Posted on 2008-06-09 17:04:45 | by Sheakhan - [ Reply to This ] -

thanx for your comment on disclaimer: the piece itself is a disclaimer... aimed at a boy who has given me a heart i dont want... the piece is saying i cannot be who he wants me to be... the domino the ruins the fall is my heart not reciprocating... the cigarette is the way "love" so quickly turns to nothing... i have/am no understudy... i am what i am and there is no way i can be anything else. im sorry the repetition frustrates you and you find it somewhat superfluous but at this point it needs to be there. when i am less emotionally involved with the piece i shall revisit it thanx for your thoughts though... really... i like comments that bring critique with them.

| Posted on 2008-03-22 04:26:02 | by Someones Epiphany - [ Reply to This ] -

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