--Elite Writer Alias: tagit Name: Rick Williams ASL: 36 - Male - Canada Bio: [ Quick Bio ] Website:[ Education ] Days Away: 136 Life Story: instructor [ Ignore User ]
Favorites: 2 Forum Posts: 3 Shoutbox Posts: 0 RP Posts: 0 Signup Date: 966 D 2.65 Years 0.26 Decades 32.2 Months 138 Weeks 9.66000e+7 Heart Beats -There you go eggman Quote: The most sublime act is to set another before you William Blake
Hey man,just wanted to say thanks for the feedback,I made most of those changes you recommended because they definitely improve the poem,and I used evensong too so thanks a lot for that,it fits very well and fixes the kind of inconsistent tone I had.
I still think it could be a little better but thatd take a complete rewrite and Im not in form for that at the moment,Im just happy I got somethin out.
Thanks for the comment, I'll have to go over it a few times to understand the literary terms you used and authors/poets you refered to. While most people would take offense to the stone-walled comment you gave I found it to be refreshing compared to the consistant compliments, (not to say I don't love compliments as much as the next guy.) Though I'd have to say I politely disagree with you on one point not all poetry is meant to arouse delight or pleasure, in fact i find the poems that disgust me are far more interesting to read than those that give me that warm fuzzy feeling.
Thank you for your comments on my poems!
'There are Better Worlds': Actually, I probably would have said quite a bit more if there hadn't been a syllable constraint in the exercise I was participating in. We were only aloud to use 50 syllables total, which severely limited what I could say in the poem. If I ever redo this one, it will be considerably longer
'Catholic Girl': Thanks for your suggestions on the line break, I will go through that poem at a later date and edit it.
I think the re-write works better. There are a couple of instances where I would personally move a word onto the next line so that it would read:
The first child was born
To wail forever anguished
Trapped under the crippling scales
Of expectancy’s balance
Forged into a broken peace maker
A ghost who invisibly seeks
To attain attention
Through a hauntingly bland conformity
A lost preacher possessed by a desperate optimism
Has clotted expectations
That refuse to bleed away
His stalwart strivings to please
The soul of a true artist
Is easily damaged by discouragement
And then discarded by the ungentle hands
That grip a defeatist mind
Now undertaking the simpler role of
A good ole’ boy perched on a super bike
With a smile solemn and frozen
Into the responsibilities of life
but that's just me. I'm doing it more based on natural pauses and you may be going on something else. I like it though. Thanks for showing me the re-write.
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