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Name: Rick Williams
ASL: 36 - Male - Canada
Bio: [ Quick Bio ]
Website:[ Education ]
Days Away: 5353
Life Story: instructor
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Favorites: 2
Forum Posts: 3
Shoutbox Posts: 0
RP Posts: 0
Signup Date: 6183 D
16.94 Years 1.69 Quote:
The most sublime act is to set another before you William Blake


Recent Favorites:
absolution by lolavie
Someone's got the Mondays by SpartanSteve
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Featured:
Generation Quest

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Featured: Generation Quest

 Featured workGeneration Quest
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::Society : Class : Poetry :
 Food for the Garden of Good and Evil
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::Nature : Class : Poetry :
 Learning Disabled
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 Foreigner
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::Society : Class : Poetry :
 Cultural Repercussions (revised)
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::Passion : Class : Poetry :
 Grown Promise
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::Nostalgia : Class : Poetry :
 Fortified
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::Nostalgia : Class : Poetry :
 Cultural Repercussions
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::Passion : Class : Poetry :
 Life at Ten Billion
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::Serious : Class : Poetry :
 Our present state
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::Society : Class : Poetry :
 Ritual
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::Legend : Class : Poetry :
 Life sentence
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::Nostalgia : Class : Poetry :
 Fishing on the periphery
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::Serious : Class : Poetry :
 Peripheries
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::Serious : Class : Poetry :
 Control
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::Misc : Class : Poetry :
 Held at bay
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::Misc : Class : Poetry :
 Human Nature
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::Nature : Class : Poetry :
 When I Get Bitter I Watch Oprah
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::Misc : Class : Poetry :
 The Hand Marching Song
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::Misc : Class : Lyrics :
 Trying to try
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::Depressed : Class : Poetry :
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Messages

  
I made some revisions to "We Gave Birth to One". Let me know if it is better now.
| Posted on 2007-11-24 18:37:38 | by AsiaticFox - [ Reply to This ] -
  
Also Ill be checking out some of your stuff soon,I just dont have enough time on my cpu right now to have what I say be worthwile but I will ASAP
| Posted on 2007-06-24 13:14:20 | by Raphael - [ Reply to This ] -
  
Hey man,just wanted to say thanks for the feedback,I made most of those changes you recommended because they definitely improve the poem,and I used evensong too so thanks a lot for that,it fits very well and fixes the kind of inconsistent tone I had.

I still think it could be a little better but thatd take a complete rewrite and Im not in form for that at the moment,Im just happy I got somethin out.

so thanks again,the feedback really helped:-)

-craig
| Posted on 2007-06-24 13:12:27 | by Raphael - [ Reply to This ] -
  
Thanks for the comment, I'll have to go over it a few times to understand the literary terms you used and authors/poets you refered to. While most people would take offense to the stone-walled comment you gave I found it to be refreshing compared to the consistant compliments, (not to say I don't love compliments as much as the next guy.) Though I'd have to say I politely disagree with you on one point not all poetry is meant to arouse delight or pleasure, in fact i find the poems that disgust me are far more interesting to read than those that give me that warm fuzzy feeling.

Thanks for the advice though!
-christopher
| Posted on 2007-06-22 02:26:49 | by SlanderousLust - [ Reply to This ] -
  
Thank you for your comments on my poems!
'There are Better Worlds': Actually, I probably would have said quite a bit more if there hadn't been a syllable constraint in the exercise I was participating in. We were only aloud to use 50 syllables total, which severely limited what I could say in the poem. If I ever redo this one, it will be considerably longer

'Catholic Girl': Thanks for your suggestions on the line break, I will go through that poem at a later date and edit it.
| Posted on 2007-06-11 14:23:53 | by saartha - [ Reply to This ] -
  
I think the re-write works better. There are a couple of instances where I would personally move a word onto the next line so that it would read:

The first child was born
To wail forever anguished
Trapped under the crippling scales
Of expectancy’s balance

Forged into a broken peace maker
A ghost who invisibly seeks
To attain attention
Through a hauntingly bland conformity

A lost preacher possessed by a desperate optimism
Has clotted expectations
That refuse to bleed away
His stalwart strivings to please

The soul of a true artist
Is easily damaged by discouragement
And then discarded by the ungentle hands
That grip a defeatist mind

Now undertaking the simpler role of
A good ole’ boy perched on a super bike
With a smile solemn and frozen
Into the responsibilities of life

but that's just me. I'm doing it more based on natural pauses and you may be going on something else. I like it though. Thanks for showing me the re-write.
| Posted on 2007-06-08 17:12:30 | by Predator - [ Reply to This ] -



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