|Journal: A correction...|
-------------------------------------------Mood: Brain Fried
I wrote once that I feel like sometimes I don't want to write, but I get ideas and stories in my head that I actually have to force myself to write out for fear that I will never think them again in exactly the same manner. While part of that, the part about never thinking them again the same way and it being a good idea to write them down just then, may be true - having been through a bit more of my life than I had when I wrote that, I now feel compelled to write this. I don't think I have to make myself write, I think I'm afraid to write. My fear stems from the monumental, unstoppable force that drives people crashing to their knees like a train that hops its tracks, the fear that someone may not like what I write. Even though I know that most of my work never gets beyond my journal or my notebook, and ergo not many people even have the chance to have a distaste for what I write, there's always the slight chance that I could develop a need to gush everything I feel and think onto one person and demand that they like it all, and they actually do like it. Then again they could freak out and never talk to me again. Then of course there is the fear that I'm not a creative enough individual to be deserving of such an intellectual and stimulating hobby such as drawing or writing - a thought that is only rivaled by the ultimate, falsely concocted, mental ending that anyone not amazingly gifted enough to perform, write or direct a masterpiece, should not even be allowed to look at those who can, much less try to imitate them. All this being said, I think - however possibly projective and avoidance-ridden and yet still plausible enough in my own mind for me to allow myself to believe this thought may be - it is possible that we, as individuals, are not 100% responsible for what we write. Everyone is affected, however much they deny it, by everything else around them. Therefore, anything that comes forth from them, however creative or not that it is, cannot be credited to them alone. In this way, all those who have created masterpieces cannot accept all the credit for those designs and/or final products they have become so highly acclaimed for. For we are all forever victims, limited by our own experience and inspiration - whether those happen to be warm cheerful moments, horrifyingly grim ones, or anything in between the two. All the things that occur during the course of our lives affect us and change us, however unknowing we are to their presence. For this reason, I have both a restored confidence that I can write whatever I want and not be held responsible to whether or not the majority of the population considers it to be a masterpiece or not, and a restored confidence that I have, in fact, discovered nothing in this truth that is original or groundbreaking, such as to grant me the right to feel unique or creative.
...Created 2006-07-19 00:07:30 [ View Past Journals ] [ View as Blog ]