Divinyl by rws

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Divinyl dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	rws
ASL Info:	58/m/ohio
Elite Ratio:	8 - 2779/1297/258
Words:	108

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	1045
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	827

Description:
Part one of a possible series (or not). I'm feeling positive today (maybe). Role models (waste of time).

Divinyl

-------------------------------------------

Careful, those who
care for the caress
of an ironclad yachtsman's
pottle of stout may find
instead, the criminal intent
of a leering lunatic
astride a tiny dinghy;
streams of spittle
in his beard.

You are not
my panacea, never cared
to call you saviour
you ran no marathon
cross agua, you cared
nothing for the cripple
couldn't weep beside
the widow; couldn't
bless an honest dollar
couldn't smile with
the children who beheld
you half in wonder.

For these and other numerous
reasons, you may rage
chained like a demon
in the hell of my indifference
in the hollow of my heart's
soothing, cruel cacophony.

Submitted on 2006-04-22 14:22:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  oooh me encanta! at first I was like "Divinyls.. 80s ladies.. haha." but this poem is actually amazing!!

I love the way you seem to describe a fall from idealism in the first stanza- it goes from glamorous archetype- "an ironclad yachtsman"- to the grotesque. I especially liked... er... appreciated this line: "streams of spittle/in his beard." That was gross... and effective!

I do think that the line "cross agua" is a little odd- wouldn't the word "water" have worked just as well? but whatevs.

"you cared
nothing for the cripple
couldn't weep beside
the widow; couldn't
bless an honest dollar"
I like this invective here. It reads on two levels... it seems rather personal, because they're such concrete examples you're giving, and yet it seems kind of biblical too. Cripples and widows, you know... they're all over the Bible. So what I'm saying is, these lines seem to tie in ancient standards of unworthiness to your modern-day ladyproblems. Well, I assume they're ladyproblems-- they sound like they are. (haha... ladyproblems... funny word.)

couldn't smile with
the children who beheld
you half in wonder.
This line reminds me of some book... oh, Vanity Fair by william thackeray. It reminds me of little Rawdon Crawley, who idolizes his mother (becky sharp! I don't know if you read the book... it sucked...), but from afar because she hated him.

For these and other numerous
reasons, you may rage
chained like a demon
in the hell of my indifference
in the hollow of my heart's
soothing, cruel cacophony.

I really love this last stanza, and forgive me for being a nerd, but <3 the alliteration!! :) And even though it seems so banishing, so angry and like "woohoo look at me I won!" the whole poem is so angry and hurt that even though you say you're indifferent... err... are you really?
| Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Bill,

There is a gross misrepresentation of following role models in our society. And your examples ring true, so I am giving thoughts. We were destined to carve out rather than let someone else lead
us, so the whole idea of spiritual wealth could deny us courage and integrity. Even some who rely on having their wrongs forgiven consistently never make choices to do anything differently.

I was born in a time when trust lived with love and honor meant
keeping your word. That's it, I'm gettin' off my stump now..

You draw a very cool photo of how all this should work, but really doesn't..great work as always.

Nan
| Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Once again, there's an obvious sonic style to your poems which I always enjoy Bill... the slant-rhymes and alliteration that you employ whilst still staying true to your message. That's a hard balancing act but you always stick to your guns.

I get a tired, resigned tone from this. Like you really didn't give a flying f*ck about much at the time you wrote this. Well, not exactly that... I detect bitterness and anger too... a whole gamut of emotions really.

I'm not sure who this is directed at or why... so the reader is left to fill in the gaps and apply it to his/her own life situation. Which is what I think you were intending.

I don't know how your title relates to the poem. 'Divinyl' is a combination word of 'divine' and 'vinyl'. Now that would imply a music god to me... but I see no hint of it here. You go from a beer and sailing metaphor which also serves as a warning to drunkards perhaps. Then you dismiss this entity in your second, then finally you round off with a warning again with a rather obvious middle finger lol.

This is what I get from it. You requested thoughts so that's what you get... and besides, I don't have any nitpicks lol.

Peace,

Jase

Actually, shouldn't it be spelt 'cacophony'? I can't remember but I'm sure it is (there's a nitpick for you lol).
| Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello!
I've enjoyed this! Interesting, who could stop reading at the shozzled sheaman?
The "pottle of stout". I like the blunt, straightforward explanation which continues as a solid theme throughout.
Venhemence borne of indifference is not new to me but I find it incredibly difficult to corral in poetry. It's simply too messy.
You have to care to feel that strongly, but must not care to feel at all.
The second stanza seems to have no such trouble. I can almost envision the grevious maladie slinking away, tail between its legs. These words brook no argument! It sounds like you're in a strong place to speak from.
You asked for Thoughts; might suggest the introduction, "beware"? Unless you do want the "care" repetition.
Engrossing stuff! Certainly a series looks good from here!
Learah
| Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey,
Hope you are keeping well. This is another good, solid piece of flowing illustrations and witty words. For me, this poem is all about being broken, whether it is from other people or drink or anything in this world, we care to blame. I liked your first stanza, using the grizzled fisherman and sea imagery.
The only qualms, I have are in the second verse:

You are not
my panacea, never cared
to call you saviour[I would add a full stop here, it helps the phrasing]

nothing for the cripple[maybe add semi-colon]
couldn't weep beside
the widow, could'nt [typo]
bless an honest dollar
couldn't [maybe change to 'nor' ?]smile with
the children who beheld
you half in wonder.

But these things are small and which you can take or leave. Overall, I liked it. Thanks for the read.

JoKing.

p.s. Could you tell me the significance of title? Thanks.

| Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]
  HI again Bill,

You said here that were were gonna try a series. I'm reading this one, "Divinyl" after I read your poem, "A Long Talk with a Short Man," and I'm getting the feeling that this is the prequel to the sequel...lol.

Others have commented about the mysteriousness of your title, so I'm gonna take a shot. It's a play on words. Divine refers to Jesus, and vinyl refers to fake leather. You're saying Jesus is fake. Or at least something you believed at one time that turned out to be phony. Role models have a way of disappointing us.

I see some definite New Testament references there, crossing agua, weeping widows, little children. The first part also brings to mind Peter and the other disciples in their fishing boat. And somehow you're just not buying it. Am I anywhere close?

As far as criticism , the only thing I can see is in the line with "other numerous reasons" you can leave off the word numerous. That's redundant.

Anyway, your poems make me want to know you more. Fascinating!
| Posted on 2006-06-17 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the bitter almond eloquence of this. it is sweat in the eyes.
it is sparse in that respect but yes, eloquent nonetheless.
funny, i was discussing with nan the concept of less being more and even though you are brief, there is enough for us to surmise too. enough that we can be just as disenchanted and rudderless as the narrator.
it is clever that you can do this in not many words - little show; lots of tell but the show is enough to generate the bile that this piece is fuelled on.
i find it difficult to yammer on about something that seems to be pretty well squared away, by someone who patently knows what they're doing - and saying.
here is the skill of writing effectively - an ability to make the reader feel what the writer feels.
hauntingly uncomfortable - couldn't couldn't couldn't could be an oldenberg headstone...
later,
k
| Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

100029

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
Cage written by distortedcloud
Song written by Daniel Barlow
When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
In My Head written by faideddarkness
To written by SavedDragon
Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
Wish written by Daniel Barlow
Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
Giving written by jjd
Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
Wavelength written by saartha
4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
Commencement written by Ramneet
It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
In the end written by Janesaddiction
Incubus written by monad
Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
One Thing written by Wolfwatching
cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
I will call out your name written by RisingSon
Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
Trails written by Daniel Barlow
Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.