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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Knifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mysterious one
    ASL Info:    24/f/in my head
    Elite Ratio:    3.61 - 58/57/17
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 780
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 551



    Description:
       I wrote this as an assignment for my English class.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKnifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    It isn't fair,
    It isn't right,
    These things don't happen,
    You say with spite.
    You close your eyes,
    You bow your head,
    You wonder why,
    You're not dead.
    Where there is one,
    There once was two,
    You start to cry,
    Asking yourself what to do.
    With one quick decision,
    On that very night,
    You grab the knife,
    With all your might.
    You hold your breath,
    You see the scythe,
    Then thats it,
    You end your life.




    Submitted on 2006-04-22 20:07:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really understand what you're saying with this one but let me just say that if I wrote this for an english class, the idiot teachers and staff at my school would send me to a shrink right away.
    "It isn't fair,
    It isn't right,
    These things don't happen,
    You say with spite"
    that did sound a little overdone but you have a point none the less, a lot of things aren't fair and just being told that 'no one ever said life was fair' doesn't make it okay.
    "You close your eyes,
    You bow your head,
    You wonder why,
    You're not dead."
    yea, sometimes it's all you can do to take it all in ya know? I've often wondered how many times I'll wish I was dead or think about being dead, before i die...just a thought really.
    "Where there is one,
    There once was two,
    You start to cry,
    Asking yourself what to do"
    it does suck when the only person you have left to ask is yourself....the very person who often adds to the problems...if you're like me and hate yourself to a great extent anyway.
    overall this was pretty good, the ending was great and I really did get what you meant....sorry you're feeling like this.
    keep writing ,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I completely understand what you mean about how where there's one there once was two. When you see a loner, that usually means they were separated or abandoned by someone.
    The only work I think this needs is punctuation work, and some grammar. here's the errors I could find...

    ....................................................................

    "It isn't fair,
    It isn't right,
    These things don't happen,
    You say with spite."

    (ok, well, there isn't exactly an error here, I just have a suggestion for this part. When you say 'these things don't happen you say with spite' I understand that you were trying to get the point across that this person is saying these things don't happen, and they're saying it spitefully, but it just doesn't fit well and others might get confused by it. So, my suggestion is that you say 'these things don't happen over night' instead.)

    "Your not dead"

    ( this is the wrong your, it should be 'You're not dead". Not a big thing, but a mistake all the same.)

    "You start to cry,
    Asking yourself what to do"

    ( This part doesn't flow too great, my advice would be to try something like this... 'you start to cry. oh, what to do'. It might work better, but that's just me. The way the writer reads their poem in their own head, might be different from how the reader reads it, but anyway...)

    ( I tried to look up the word 'sife' in the dictionary, but I couldn't find it. Could you tell me what it means or is it just a made up word due to writer's liscence?)
    .......................................................................

    Well, this was pretty good. I liked the pace throughout the entire poem, it worked very good. Hang in there and keep writing....

    *tox*
    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      intersesting..it needs some work...very dark id suggest not killing your self, i have no clue what you mean by there once was two

    maybe change
    asking your self what to do

    to

    you ask self what should i do.

    just reads a bit better i think

    blaaa


    trevor...
    | Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by goomaster03 | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really nice =]

    Here: Where there is one,
    There once was two,
    You start to cry,
    Asking yourself what to do.

    ^ The flow disappears for a bit, but you expertly get back on track, and the ending is amazing.

    Great job!
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Yclipse | [ Reply to This ]


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