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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I went into the snowfalldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 943
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1180



    Description:
       another bit of spring inspiration


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI went into the snowfalldots
    -------------------------------------------


    I went into the snowfall
    And stepped into a waterfall,
    It jingled by my heels:
    Bracelets of promises of a summer love
    Strapped in a sunshine before a cloud
    And a quiet mystery unsolved prettily in
    The morning.

    Memories mix and sod themselves down
    Like a leaf, buttered heavily with a hot scent
    Of wakeful streets.
    It tempts you, tickles you and makes you
    A willing and a grateful prisoner, with
    Nostrils flapping in a surprised manner.

    I checked the time going by at its own
    Unforgivable pace, reddening eyelids,
    Seeding headaches and first rain.
    It treads lightly upon our shoulders,
    Testing the steps, seeing it still
    Tastes the same - apple sweet with a kiss
    Of unearthly clairvoyant bitterness.

    The many moons have faded in the branches,
    And teleporting bridges found companions
    In the mirthless suicidal notes.

    Our winter phantoms, satin gloves and globes
    Have melted and chased away the snowflakes
    And timetravellers lost.








    Submitted on 2006-04-22 23:40:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is written well... you segue from one scene into another with dexterity and ease. If I would say anything critical (and this is just my opinion) I find some of your enjambment at times and the way you capitalize the start of each line off-putting. But again, this is personal preference. I find capping each line when a lot of lines are enjambed a rather weird thing to do.

    Enjambment like this:
    'And a quiet mystery unsolved prettily in
    The morning.'
    - 'Prettily' is the most obvious choice for an end-stress word here. Perhaps move 'in' to the line under it?

    'Like a leaf, buttered heavily with a hot scent
    Of wakeful streets.'
    - Perhaps move 'with a hot scent' onto the next line? 'Of wakeful streets' doesn't look fleshed out enough in relation to your other lines around it. But these are just aesthetic nitpicks.

    I find your last line a bit of an enigma. And to me, the two lines before it seem fine... the way the last line segues doesn't sit right with me... it jars. But this is just how I'm reading it.

    Likewise with:
    'And teleporting bridges found companions
    In the mirthless suicidal notes.'
    - I found 'teleporting' and 'suicidal' to be weird word choices. Distinctive, yes... but I'm not sure if this is really the diction you want. And the word 'suicidal' always manages to bring up negative associations whenever I read poetry. I guess it's just one of those things with me.

    All in all though, I did enjoy this piece. It's lush with seasonal imagery written in a very unique way.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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