I went into the snowfall
And stepped into a waterfall,
It jingled by my heels:
Bracelets of promises of a summer love
Strapped in a sunshine before a cloud
And a quiet mystery unsolved prettily in
Memories mix and sod themselves down
Like a leaf, buttered heavily with a hot scent
Of wakeful streets.
It tempts you, tickles you and makes you
A willing and a grateful prisoner, with
Nostrils flapping in a surprised manner.
I checked the time going by at its own
Unforgivable pace, reddening eyelids,
Seeding headaches and first rain.
It treads lightly upon our shoulders,
Testing the steps, seeing it still
Tastes the same - apple sweet with a kiss
Of unearthly clairvoyant bitterness.
The many moons have faded in the branches,
And teleporting bridges found companions
In the mirthless suicidal notes.
Our winter phantoms, satin gloves and globes
Have melted and chased away the snowflakes
And timetravellers lost.
| This is written well... you segue from one scene into another with dexterity and ease. If I would say anything critical (and this is just my opinion) I find some of your enjambment at times and the way you capitalize the start of each line off-putting. But again, this is personal preference. I find capping each line when a lot of lines are enjambed a rather weird thing to do. |
Enjambment like this:
'And a quiet mystery unsolved prettily in
- 'Prettily' is the most obvious choice for an end-stress word here. Perhaps move 'in' to the line under it?
'Like a leaf, buttered heavily with a hot scent
Of wakeful streets.'
- Perhaps move 'with a hot scent' onto the next line? 'Of wakeful streets' doesn't look fleshed out enough in relation to your other lines around it. But these are just aesthetic nitpicks.
I find your last line a bit of an enigma. And to me, the two lines before it seem fine... the way the last line segues doesn't sit right with me... it jars. But this is just how I'm reading it.
'And teleporting bridges found companions
In the mirthless suicidal notes.'
- I found 'teleporting' and 'suicidal' to be weird word choices. Distinctive, yes... but I'm not sure if this is really the diction you want. And the word 'suicidal' always manages to bring up negative associations whenever I read poetry. I guess it's just one of those things with me.
All in all though, I did enjoy this piece. It's lush with seasonal imagery written in a very unique way.
|| Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] |