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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a·sy·lum (work in progress)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wondereric
    ASL Info:    34/M/Dallas
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 18/30/11
    Words: 250
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Dark
    Total Views: 1007
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1514



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa·sy·lum (work in progress)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Waiting for him to come
    Hades is calling… he’s calling my name
    He doesn’t listen for what I have to say
    He’ll take me again… leaving nothing inside...



    Had a dream… had a dream
    Caught in the a•sy•lum
    Someone I… someone I used to recognize
    Tried to reach out through the abyss
    He said “I’m just a shell.. just leave it all behind… here… “
    Here in the a•sy•lum


    If you knew.. if you knew
    what you were doin'
    why... why would you do it...
    you broke my heart
    and took one of the peices



    Had a dream… had a dream
    Caught in the a•sy•lum
    Someone I… someone I used to recognize
    Tried to reach out through the abyss
    He said “I’m just a shell.. just leave it all behind… here… “
    Here in the a•sy•lum


    I'm standing in the fire waiting for the rain that isn't coming
    not getting any relief
    I need something strong to purge you
    something strong purge you from inside... from inside of me...



    Had a dream… had a dream
    Caught in the a•sy•lum
    Someone I… someone I used to recognize
    Tried to reach out through the abyss
    He said “I’m just a shell.. just leave it all behind… here… “
    Here in the a•sy•lum


    This a•sy•lum you put me in... it can't hold me forever




    Submitted on 2006-04-23 14:38:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is a very pretty soudning poem, whether or not you meant it. i like it, asylums arent fun. it tears you apart and almost puts you back together..then leave syou to figure the rest out and sometimes it becomes worse than the previous... other time it works out...or you pretend to...

    i like it. send me a message when you are completed with it please

    chilz
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by chilz | [ Reply to This ]
      it sounds like a party. It seems like it would not make bad music. seems quite good in fact. i think the only thing that could really be changed is the repitition in places and the words that are not complete... that is just one of my biggest pet peeves... it doesn't matter... i just don't like it that way, a problem with me not your lyrics. a part that really stood out to me was

    "I'm standing in the fire waiting for the rain that isn't coming
    not getting any relief
    I need something strong to purge you
    something strong purge you from inside... from inside of me..."

    that stanza really added alot to the poem. enjoy
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was nice. your flow in verse 2 was off some. The lyrics, especially for the chorus, made me feel like I was going crazy, the jerky writing, with all the pauses and imcomplete expressed thoughts. So you accomplished the feel of one being deranged as he sang this. Overall, this was good.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha..I sang this Kind of a..dark morbid tone...like..Kittie (but without all the screaming) The only thing I can see as a work in progress would be putting music behind it. There is really nothing to fix in my view. Good job

    ~Kat
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...I agree w/ Ron~ I can easily see this as something I would listen to if it had the music added. It was a good write & I enjoyed taking a look @ it. I look forward to reading more from you.
    ~Tonya
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really good write
    I can easily see Music being added to this to create one heck of a modern rock track
    I liked the use of the description of the asylum inside of his brain
    You did extremely well with this
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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