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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Ancient Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dmm
    ASL Info:    50/M/Minnesota
    Elite Ratio:    3.81 - 741/888/102
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1756
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 751



    Description:
       Sometimes when I play my drums I feel possessed by rudimentary drives that bring out expressions I was not aware existed in me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Ancient Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Within me dwells the ancient man
    who begs to live once more,
    Speaking in some ancient tongue
    that rings of eons yore.

    Yearning to cast off the bonds
    that bind the modern man,
    Run free beneath the summer rain
    and laugh because he can.

    To feel his feet upon the earth
    and breath the virgin air,
    As once he did in ancient years
    and live without a care.

    Within me dwells the ancient man
    who whispers from afar,
    Longs to once more lift his eyes
    and gaze at ancient stars.

    I kneel before that ancient man
    and pray to be forgiven,
    No key exists to set him free,
    no world that he could live in.




    Submitted on 2006-04-23 17:40:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      How refreshing this write seems to be.

    A wish to be free once more of modern cuffs.
    To see nature from the ground floor and not have to gaze through the neo atmosphere for a glimpse of the stars.

    I myself see a glimps of the Norsemen or Vikings in this well written poem. I am not one to look for mistakes or grammar issues. I would prefer to look trough the writers eyes and see what they are seeing.

    I love the opening stanza because it sets the tone for the other stanzas. The first stanza allows the others to flow freely or it might just be the writers ability to draw a great picture for the reader.

    The last stanza feels like you just woke up from your day dream and realize that it is impossible to become the ancient man. therefor tightening the cuffs of the modern world.

    Nicely Done

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem. I like how you identify this person that comes out in you. I just get the indian war dance in my mind for some reason and picture you (even though I have no idea what you look like) jamming out on the drums haha! This sounds like some really good stress release for you. Letting yourself go and just have a good time with something you enjoy is really what life should be. I think people tend to take things a bit too seriously and forget that they should set themselves free once in a while. You did a fine job writing this one. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahhh, to be free!

    This piece sums up a feeling that I think most of us have. Every now and then we all just want to scream a war cry and live without thinking of anything but filling our bellies and soaking in the sun.

    Your rhyme and rhythm is good and I like your word choice in general. The one phrase that seems like a bit of a stretch is "eons yore" The back-to-back rare words seem like a stretch. Perhaps "times before"?

    Thanks for sharing,



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Dan, bloody nice! The ancient beat eh? yeah, we've never lost it, some deep tribal thing. Not many people dislike music, and music is all about the beat.

    I like what you did here, especially the regretful ending, no place for that sort of thing these days...

    My only suggestion was the line

    "Yearning to cast off the bonds"

    I'd make it something like

    "Yearning to be free of bonds"

    it just seems to roll a tiny bit better.

    Great poem, and great food for thought,

    Excellent!

    Be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I would say that the drums put you in touch with the longing for anient man and all the freedom that you feel he had, anyway I liked this it was a n is a every good read,keep up the great works,
    adnil
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting write Dan. I can most definitely relate atleast to some extent. Sometimes when we do certain things like my drawing and painting and like your drumming. We become so captured in what we are doing its like we are another person. This is what this poem remained me of and also what Maggie said, about it being like remembering a long forgotten side of oneself.

    I don't think I need to mention anything about your flow, rhythm and rhyme because as usual they were very good. Most definitely keep up the good work and thanks so much for sharing.
    God bless and have a blessed and most wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Everything about this seems to fit with the nostalgic mood I'm in today. It does in fact read near-flawless to me as well. Each line had me nodding in agreement.

    The desire to live and feel again as I once did.
    The second stanza I really liked.. that child-like happiness I once had.. I yearn for again.

    "Within me dwells the ancient man"- that line sets the whole poem.

    And this line gave me goosebumps..
    "I kneel before that ancient man
    and pray to be forgiven"

    I have to fave this.. it's that good.
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem is entrancing. I kept reading it over and over because i just couldn't stop reading it even though i got to the end. There is nothing really to critique on this poem. maybe word choice, switch some words up a tiny bit but that is just a matter of oppinion. i have no problem with it the way it is lol just i guess trying to invent something to do to it for the critique... it was a really good poem i enjoyed it to the fullest. enjoy
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this very much. Your flow was nearly flawless. Your wording was good. Your message was loud and clear. Sometimes we as people forget to just live and let things be. I think the fact you refer to the term ancient means this is a side of a person long forgotten. You did a very good job with this.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      i could see how playing the drums would bring that primal feel of the ancient man back to you.. then feeling trapped in this world and trying to drum yourself out.. so to speak...

    i was waiting, i must say, to see some conclusion though.. what i mean, i think that the drumming itself could be the key. does that make sense? i guess i might take this in a different direction, that's all. it leaves me hanging and wishing for the man to find that key, even if it is only in that temporary fall into the beat of the drums. does that make any sense?!!

    in any event, i did like this poem, Dan, don't get me wrong. i guess i find hope in music and the beat of drums and stuff when it comes from deep within the soul and is released.

    take care,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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