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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where the Dusty Books live.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 262
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 859
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1344



    Description:
       Hmmm. *tap tap tap* I think that this is just mainly about how the girl feels.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere the Dusty Books live.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The night was continuing on into and transforming into morning. The girls eyes burned and she squinted and struggled with her attentiveness to the story at hand. The story was about love. A boy and a girl and all the random obstacles of life. The girl, let's call her Eve for the sake of having a name. So, now that this is established, let us all sink back into the mindset of this girl sitting in a library, in a corner where all the dusty unread books live, just reading really late or really early depending on your thoughts. She sat cross legged with her face bent down and her nose almost touching the words in the book she had in her lap. As she read, she related to the girl and the boy in the book. Because this girl desperately wanted to simply love a boy, have his love in return and be free. But she was only 17 and in her society this was still a bit too young to run away with a boy. The girl wished that she had lived in simpler, older times. Then this would not even be an issue and she would be happy. The girl sighed and she was tired. Because whether it was early or late, she had been up too long, and even more tiresome was that she was pondering things, and worrying over things that she really couldn't control. The facts were that she did not own her life. And she was trapped. And it seemed at times, dying.




    Submitted on 2006-04-24 12:23:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      These are just suggestions. I think they sound and/or read better. Whether or not you choose to implement them is up to you.

    "
    The night was continuing on into and transforming into morning"

    This line would work better if it were... "The night was continuing and transforming into morning."
    Or "The night transforming into morning." Or mutating instead of transforming.
    The first suggestion keeps it closest to how you had it while making it less redundant.

    "The girl, let's call her Eve for the sake of having a name. So, now that this is established, let us all sink back into the mindset of this girl sitting in a library..."


    I think instead, "The girl, Eve they call her, sat in the corner of the library where all the dusty, unread books reside, reading until only the crickets chirped, or the first shrill cry of the sparrow would sound."

    "She sat cross legged with her face bent down and her nose almost touching the words in the book she had in her lap. As she read, she related to the girl and the boy in the book."


    Could be, "Cross-legged, her face a mere moment from being one with the words of the book resting on her lap." (Instead of cross-legged, you could use "legs crossed)

    "The girl sighed and she was tired. Because whether it was early or late, she had been up too long, and even more tiresome was that she was pondering things, and worrying over things that she really couldn't control."


    "Tiring from the length of the hour, and burdened by the thoughts and worries of things she does cannot control, she sighed." Seems more concise and understandable. If you disagree, I can understand. Just suggestions.

    "The facts were that she did not own her life. And she was trapped. And it seemed at times, dying."


    "Her life hung drably from the strings of a marionette, her emotions trapped within the shell of something she did not own. It seemed to shudder like an ill man in the snow-ridden reaches of Antartica, coughing, hurting, dying."
    I don't know how well that would work. I just know I didn't like the first line, "The facts were that she did not own her life."

    Do what you will.
    --------------On just thoughts-------------
    The tenses are all a bit jumbled, it has a lot of redundant areas, sentence structure (most notably) could use some work, I've already made some suggestions to give you an idea, again, if you wish to implement them.

    The writing itself seems a bit personal, ala, it deals with you, or how you feel.
    In which case, society looks down on a lot of things, I always suggest people wait until they at least graduate high school before they do any marriage/eloping/running-away type things.

    As it is now, I just don't get much from this writing.
    I like the idea, and maybe you could improve upon this one a bit.
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Did Sir Jemeth just try to completely rewrite your story or did he just completely try to rewrite your story? In any event, I do acknowledge that, like he said, there are some grammatical...things...going on. However, I think that they add to the story, as opposed to detracting from it. The syntax is jumbled, a little confused, just like the girl. There is a certain apathy to it, almost an exhausted casting out of it. I sense an unequivocal futility. But I really don't know what you intended. It needs some refinement, I think. But overall, it's good. (The way it is. Please don't make it sound like:

    "It seemed to shudder like an ill man in the snow-ridden reaches of Antartica, coughing, hurting, dying."

    Good golly.
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]


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