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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Catch Updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dimension_X
    ASL Info:    17/F/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    5.39 - 124/108/70
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 937
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1010



    Description:
       The poem has a certain word pattern with numbers. uhm, I call it the penguin method of poetry. cause it has a lot to do with sevens. anyway....

    Yeah, so pretty much the poem is talking about waiting. Waiting and regret. Regret about leaving, or regret about waiting? thats the question.

    anyway. I like it. some parts of it at least. read on, comment away.




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    dotsCatch Updots
    -------------------------------------------



    Sitting in the corner, twiddling my thumbs,
    My center of gravity is closer the the core.
    The core of the Earth and its gravitational pull.
    But it's not bringing you any closer.

    I've been sitting until the cobwebs formed.
    Seen the universe just float on by.
    It feels like I'm nailed down to the floor.
    I'm held down by some irrational force.

    I am fighting against the world's gravity.
    I'm pulling myself up off the ground.
    Now, the world has left me behind.
    Now, I gotta run to catch up.

    I've gotta apologize for breaking my promise
    The promise I've only made to myself
    To never leave what we could've become...
    To wait until the world put itself in my hand

    But it's me.
    I've gotta find it.
    I've gotta run for it.
    This is the universe I'm following.






    Submitted on 2006-04-24 14:51:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think what you're trying to say is that your sadness grounds you to the universe, and that you feel real with it. Umm...I think the lines "This is the universe I'm following.", would be better as "It's the universe I'm following." It seems more powerful, because now it seems like it's the universe that's bringing you down, but you have no choice but to follow it, or else you would be left behind. Other than that, it was really good, though there was more references to the universe, than the problem, which makes you sad. It's really good though.
    Peace, love, and euphoria,
    Aya
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting write with much potential but you have a few things in this I felt was holding the write back. Like firstly, there are a few grammatical errors in this. Like in this line for instance

    "TO wait untill the world put itself in my hand"

    The word to I doubt you intentionly made its fully caps and if you did, I don't see the need for it. You can keep the capital T but change O.
    Also the word until is spelt with one "L" in this line you have two this I can see is a definite typo rather than a mispelling because earlier you have it spelt correctly. Other than that I was a delightful read and like you said laments the regrets of waiting and failure to do anything.

    This was my favourite stanza and to me the most poetic piece of the write.

    "Sitting in the corner, twiddling my thumbs,
    My center of gravity is closer the the core.
    The core of the Earth and its gravitational pull.
    But it's not bringing you any closer."

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


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