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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hello, Little Flamedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1145
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 591



    Description:
       I tried to do stanzas this time. Not sure if it worked properly.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHello, Little Flamedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hello, little flame,
    I nearly missed you.
    You seem so weak,
    You flicker dreadfully,
    Have you caught cold?

    I could snub you
    With my fingers,
    And feel nothing.

    Perhaps you need a
    Bit of help from me.
    Another flame, perhaps,
    A trusty partner for you.
    But, it would die
    With no wick to hold.

    A bit of fresh air
    Would do you good.
    Yes, the cool night
    Would refresh.

    Oh no! I'm sorry.

    We were alike,
    You and I.




    Submitted on 2006-04-24 15:04:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      At first glance, the first stanza (and much of the poem seeems whimsical, maybe a poem for children, but when i realized what the poem is actually about it made it all the more chilling, sad, even mocking, in a jaded sort of way. I realized that you could interpret it two ways:1) the subject is talking about his/herself, either unintentionally snuffing the candle out,(repitition of mistakes,despair) or, more sinisterly, they are snuffing" themself" out with a kind of childish (destruction, burning ants on the sidewalk) glee. 2) The candle doesn't represent themself, it represents someone else who is like them, so, hating themself, they want to destroy them without harming themself, hence "snub you with my fingers and feel nothing" (i know people like that). I'm curious as to what the wick symbolizes (support? confidence? i don''t think so) and which of my interpretations is what you meant it to be. As you can see, i love this poem, the apparent simplicity of the poem, the actual complexity and the double meanings. :)
    P.S. yeah, i know themself is not really a word
    P.P.S. Haldir does NOT live!!!!!!
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Syrinx | [ Reply to This ]
      to get the anal nitpicks out of the way:

    Have you caught [a] cold?

    [Bit] of help from me.

    and maybe get rid of the comma after but.

    it feels so pedantically teacher-like to do, especially when the poem isn't about spelling, it's about meaning and ideas and you.

    which are far more interesting.

    i like how the almost light hearted tone contrasts with the message, that twist at the end that throws shadow over the poem, gives it depth and a real coldness.

    and it's really chilling how you kill the flame after comparing yourself to it.
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmm....what a cute little poem. I find it rather whimsical and amusing. My question is, why did you file it under longing??? The only change I see is:

    "Perhaps you need a
    But of help from me"

    To change the flow for the better, you might try removing the word a. The effect is odd for such a charming piece. All in all, I thought it was lovely. In paticular, I liked that you compared yourself to the flame in the end. That was a very effective and powerful way to end the poem. Like I said, it is good work!

    ~Clover
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very good, and I liked the final stanza, because then, I had to reread the poem again, using you as the subject instead of the fame, and that got me sad, but it was really good, because it was a very creative thing to do. When you think about how the fame needs the wick, it seems like you are saying you need some support and foundation to build up on, and when you said that someone could snub you and feel nothing, it was like you were saying that no one cares about you, which I'm sure is not true from reading this. Anyways, this was a really good write.
    Peace, love, and euphoria,
    Aya
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]


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