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Author:	LongPastDead
Elite Ratio:	6.68 - 34/64/29
Words:	406

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	257
Average Vote:	4.3333
Bytes:	2340

Description:
An older one of my from a while, WHILE, back.

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The black fog rolls thick,
it swalows the light.
It seeps into my pores,
it blinds my eyes.

I'm consumed by the darkness,
with no hope to be found.
Red eyes all around me appear,
dripping with strange mallace and terror.

Their laughter is evil,
and echoes in this dark place.
Sharp claws, honored weapons,
tear away at my flesh.

They mock and they laugh,
as they taint me with sin.
Blood seeps from my wounds.
Sadistic demons tear off my wings.

And so I lay,
a pathetic form on the ground,
as the creatures slip away hell-ward bound.
My innosence lay near,
dripped in the blood of my veins.

I'm far to weak to try,
yet to stubborn to give in.
I fight the impending doom,
but the more I fight,
the more I am tangled in this web of deciet and lies.

Once I let go, once I finally give in,
I feel a hand on my shoulder,
I hear a voice from the darkness within.
It's soothing,
it's warm and I recognise it as yours.

Your strong hands pull me from my shameful place,
and whipe tears of red from my face.
You whisper, in my ear, words of loving endearment,
and hope fills me as you pull me towards the surface.

Light in front of me glows so beautiful,
it stings my eyes, yet I am entraced in my humility.
So close, so near.
I'm so enthralled I'm drowning in fear.

Angel! Why do you let go of my hand?!
I'm slipping away! Back to that menacing land!
Take me to your place of never ending love!
Drench me in your arms and never let go!

My words are in vane,
for none of my pleas reach your ears.
Your smiling face I can no longer see,
I shake with my tears.

I'm all alone again, just the darkness and me.
The dark void licks away everything I hold dear,
until nothing is left,
not even the fear.

I'm dying, I know, it was meant to be.
Who would have ever geussed,
that love would be the end of me?

Submitted on 2006-04-25 00:54:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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||| Comments |||
  A poem about feeling hurt... abandoned... abused by life and the people around you. Hardening, falling, sinking into a state of lost innocence, abuse, and darkness. You start sinking comfortably into your own despair... I know that feeling well... the comfort that can come from just accepting your state... accepting the sadness... then someone stumbles onto you, plays the part, reaches out a hand, shows you the compassion and kindness that seemed so unfamiliar to you. You fell for them... as anyone would... as a sort of savior, or as one of the few good people we still manage to encounter in this world. But he's not interested... he stops holding you up like he used to... and eventually things just kind of fade away. Something that meant so much to you... meant so little in the long run of things. What had the potential to be your saving grace, ended up being like a final painful nail in your coffin. You sink back into misery and despair, now with one more reason. At least the pain keeps away the apathy.

This whole scenario i've experienced personally... never in the exact same context... but enough that this poem is oddly familiar to me. I enjoyed this very much... and I think im even going to +fav it. Even if it makes me think of things I dont want to... and remember parts of my past I tried to move beyond.
| Posted on 2008-07-14 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
  Edgar Allan Poe had a brilliant method for enrapturing his audiences and readers with his writing, through phantasmagoria. Your specific use and amount of phantasmagoria in this poem was absolutely beautifully well done in my opinion. The way you describe the demons, the angel who fails to raise you up, even the darkness itself, were all very allusive to the chaotic personal struggle we all inevitably face in our lives. You've managed to write this poem so that it has a personal quality to it, with a lot of articulate imagery and poignant turns of phrase. Very well written, albeit with a few spelling errors, but that's just a technicality. This poem has wonderful depth and I loved reading it. Thank you for it. Take care.

-J
| Posted on 2007-12-09 00:00:00 | by Forest Saint | [ Reply to This ]
  lol, ( i am not laughing because of your writing, i am laughing because of lucy's comment (rainbowXrazorz ,. i wonder where she will be , i miss her very much ))
so well what else can i say? i guess everybody has said it !!! it is a good write, it has a lot of darkness between its lines and while reading i felt that i could keep reading and reading this, so coming from me it is good! (because i do not like reading lol )soo keep writing the same way, and thanks for sharing
have a nice day !
Victor

| Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  wow there all like long coments and i jest dont really do that... i jest like to let people know i liked there work ^_^ and this is very awsome definitaly my tipe of stuff ^_^ good go

kari
| Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by Doom_Hammer | [ Reply to This ]
  "The black fog rolls thick,
it swalows the light.
It seeps into my pores,
it blinds my eyes.
I'm consumed by the darkness,
with no hope to be found."

The first lines. Took me into the mood. I liked it very much. The flow there was awesome, very nice piece to begin with.
I liked this poem overall pretty much, it's got good flow, imagery and worduse.
The only nitpick is that you got a few typos, which I think some you will see yourself already when just looking through once more.
Other than that I have not really much to say.
Wait, I do! I think this poem has to have a title, you might think about that and make up a good one. For some reason, the first title I thought of was 'Losing grip', though that doesnt really cover the contents.
I read it again, and thought of a suggestion for this line:

I'm all alone again, just the darkness and me.

You contradict what you've said in the first part of the sentence, so maybe you could consider..

I'm all alone again, though by [the] darkness embraced.

or something alike.. Idk, it's your poem.
I am glad this is my 250th comment.

Janneke.
| Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
  *sits for a few moments, lost in thought before standing, placing his finger to his chin and opening his mouth, attempting to speak, the words escaping him, he sits, plunging deeper into thought*

Today I think I will try something completely different and follow the Elite Skills "12 point plan"

*giggles maniacally for a few moments before continuting*

First and foremost, a great write. No apparent spelling or grammatical errors. Personally, I would have broken the entire piece apart and attempted to form it into stanzas, but that is just me. Moving right along..

1. Be honest.
--How much more honest can I be? I did like this piece, I liked it alot.. but the form it was presented in made it seem/feel just a little unstructured.

2. Try not to give only compliments.
--I think I have established this point already. Seems unstructured, while remaining a solid work.

3. How did it make you feel?
--Slightly more difficult to answer. I am not very good at expressing my emotions/feelings, but I will give it my best shot. Parts of ot made me feel good, for example, being soothed by the darkness within.. other parts made me feel uneasy.. like everything being covered in the mists.. ultimately, I have many feelings on this piece, and this is an unfair question.

4. Why did it make you feel that way?
--Again, established this already.

5. Which parts?
--And yet again, established in question number three. Sheesh.

6. What distracted from the piece?
--Nothing really distracted from this piece. The idea from start to finish was the same, and was done very well at that.

7. What was unclear?
--Nothing really unclear either.

8. What does it remind you of?
--It reminds me of life in general.. opening up to someone.. only to end up digging the knife, which is your love, out of your back. Seems life is always this way, as is love for that matter. How could something so fickle and fleeting promise nothing but pleasure? It simply isn't possible.

9. How could it be improved?
--As I said before, I think this piece would work just a little better if it were broken down into stanzas and elaborated on just a little more, this piece has the potential of being two or even three times the length it is now, though you run the risk of it being unweildy and a chore to read.

10. What would you have done differently?
--Stanzas.. again.. for [censored]s sake, why do all these questions repeat themselves.

11. What was your interpretation of it?
--My interpretation of it is just as I have previously said.. nothing more than exactly what the piece says itself. There really is no room for interpretation except for exactly what is said.

12. Does it feel original?
--Indeed, it does feel original, as do most all of your other works.

Now that I've completed that, lets move on to something more meaningful.

"I'm all alone again, just the darkness and me.
The dark void licks away everything I hold dear,
until nothing is left,
not even the fear.
I'm dying, I know, it was meant to be.
Who would have ever geussed,
that love would be the end of me?"

My favorite part of this work. To my experience, we have all felt this way before. So dark, so cold and so alone. Completely and utterly destroyed, left in ruin.. being left at love's mercy. Acceptance of such facts.. It's a shame when someone is left in this position, and it always, always and will always hurt. There are no winners, only losers when it comes to the game of love.

Thanks for the great read, and keep up the good work.

Forsaken
| Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by The Forsaken | [ Reply to This ]
  Not to sound repetitive to other posts here but my favorite line was " The dark void licks away everything i hold dear,"

honestly its the darker poems that i love. Give me poe and elliot any day. I love the love poems too but i lean toward the darker ones.

This one pulled me in. You have lines in there that are almost haunting they are so well written. "My innosence lay near, dripped in the blood of my veins." Just another example.

AL
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  Congratulation! This is quite honestly the first piece I have had the pleasure of reading on EliteSkills that I thought could be published (or that made me feel as if I was reading it from a magazine article or a book of poetry). It's quite dark, which is something I like very much in poetry when it's used correctly, which you have most certainly done here. However some don't like dark works such as this but I'd say even those readers would still offer their respect to how beautifully written this is. It's all so together, a folkish tale almost, but with a spirite-noir (I just made that up, I'm trying to say a 'dark religious') coating. The begininng is attention grabbing, lined with great description. Good use of common imagery, I normally don't enjoy it but you've somehow turned it into something original, so kudos again. There is definately too much in this piece to even begin to describe, at least to me. Needless to say I very much enjoyed is, I'm gonna add this to my faves. I really, really like it. The words and how they arranged just, are magnificent. Almost perfect. Well, I would say perfect but I'm told nothing is so, but it's close enough. Bravo! It's brilliant. I just found reading it so intriguing. The 'religiousity' (brucewillis says that in 'The Whole Ten yards) of it and the pain mix well. Thank you for sharing!
| Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
  hm, Red..this was just mother [censored] awsome!!!!!..(Pardon my language, its just the only way to express myself now.lol)..anywho this was just wow..The flow just drew me in to these images of hope..and then falling so fast..the ending was by far my favorite part..I can relate to that..Love is the end of everything..Its painful and deceiving..and there some tiny little spelling errors, for example "whipe" = "wipe" Also when you said

"I'm so excited I'm drowning in fear"

I didn't like the word 'excited'..It took away the despair and darkness of this piece..you can just put in a substitute word such as Thrilled,estatic, or even enraptured..anywho otherwise its PERFECT!..I guess I read this at the right time in my life..the sucky part..Ya know when all else fails, and then the person you love most saves you, yet they seem distant..and scared of you..so they let go..and watch your demise..Anywho lovely piece, most cetainly going on my favs, no doubt..Keep up the great work hun!..and Take care!

Lucy^_^
| Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this one from start to finish. I Like the imagry you used, as well as the wording. You could have cleaned it up a bit more, and check for spelling errors better, but other than that a pretty solid write.

"The dark void licks away everything I hold dear,
until nothing is left,
not even the fear.
I'm dying, I know, it was meant to be.
Who would have ever geussed,
that love would be the end of me?"

This particualr stanza stuck out to me the most, namely because I feel similar at this moment, and also because almost everyone who has 'loved and lost' can relate in some way, shape or fashion.

Remember, nip and tuck, keep it clean.
Keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
  the length worried me at first, but you did a good job. i loved the twists how it went from bad to good to worse. i also think you did a great job getting the readers to see what it was you wanted them to.

keep up the great work
Diary
| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Diarygrl | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Very good job. The brilliance and uncertainty of life after death was cleverly foreseen in this unique poem.
At some places, I found that the poem was a bit bumpy, as in it didn't flow to well. That could just have been how I was reading it or it could have been the poem. I think that maybe if you could somehow make this into stanzas, it may be easier to read. There are still some spelling errors. I'm not sure if you took other peoples suggestions and double checked that, but errors are still scattered among the poem. Punctuation was great.
I thought that this was very unique, the foreshadowing of the afterworld. I enjoyed the transition from hell to heaven, but having heaven slip from your hands.
I like the lines:
"I'm far to weak to try,
yet to stubborn to give in."
I thought that these were great, and they fit in well with the poem.
"Sadistic demons tear off my wings."
Does this imply that you are a fallen angel or something? If so, clever.
Looking through your poem again, I notice the word mallace. Now what acatlly does that mean. I find no such word in a dictionary. Maybe bewilderment or something could be used there instead.
I'm wondering, ig in the last bit, you metion a "you" person. Would this person be a boyfriend/girlfriend, or is it an angel. Whom ever this someone is, they must be pulling you towards relaity, or towards heaven. I'm thinking more towards the boyfriend/girlfriend theory just because of your last lines:
"Who would have ever guessed,
that love would be the end of me?"
As for a title to this work of art, I think something along the lines of 'Kiss of Death', or 'Life Beyond the Living'. Those are just two of my suggestions. If you like them, great, if not, nothing to worry about. Thanks for pointing me towards this wonderful poem. Keep writing.
~Caotic~
P.S. The one who has been commenting on your stuff has been Shannon from our duo. :)
| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
  I love this...it is so deep so beautiful. I wih I could write something so deep...if you get the chance check out my tiny 2 poems....*laughs* they're pathetic but whatever. I love you! Keep up the deep stuff...

Amy
| Posted on 2006-08-21 00:00:00 | by SexSlaveForYou | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Truly this was an awesome piece. And, it was also so interesting to read other's takes of the situation. I think I'll try the whole Elite's 12 points thing too. Seems easier to gather my thoughts that was today.

1. Be honest.

Be honest? Hmmm...honestly. I can REALLY relate to this piece right now. It kinda was heart-wrenching to read feeling these emotions so damn strongly right now.

2. Try not to give only compliments.

Try not to give only compliments. Hmmm. *Ponders, gathering her thoughts* Honestly. I can't really critique. I didn't see much wrong with it. Espeically when a piece is this soaked in emotion.

3. How did it make you feel?

How did it make me feel? Sad..lonely. Hurt. Added onto how I'm already feeling. I can relate to this. So, damn much right now as I've already stated, and it just hurts to even read it. But, I did and felt the need to comment on it.

4. Why did it make you feel that way?

Well..I related to it. *Thinks she has already said that a few times*

5. Which parts?

Well....the parts about the angel drawing you up out of your horror and then just letting you go. You being humbled in their seeming "beauty" and trusting. Yet, they just drop you where you were before. Turning away without a second thought and/or feeling towards you whatsoever.

6. What distracted from the piece?

Nothing.

7. What was unclear?

Nothing.

8. What does it remind you of?

Me. Right now. *Sad smile, some tears*

9. How could it be improved?

It really couldn't be, big sister.

10. What would you have done differently?

Nothing. Wow, this 12 point critique is really working for me here.

11. What was your interpretation of it?

Um....*Has said*

12. Does it feel original?

Very original. As are most people's works. Although I guess some could feel not so original.

On another note. Again. It was very interesting reading other people's takes on this. To see how some people felt about being left by fickle love. It always amuses me greatly to read others comments on pieces before I comment myself. For some reason it just....clarifies things for me sometimes.

I'm sure many people can relate to this whether they have been the one ditched.....or the ditcher. *Nods, doesn't know what else to say without sounding bitter, and verbally attacking someone*

I love you big sister. A lot. *HUGS TIGHT*

~Lucretia Angelus Abnocto~
| Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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