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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Betrayaldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Laz
    ASL Info:    22/m/WV
    Elite Ratio:    2.6 - 18/36/5
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 1363
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 515



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetrayaldots
    -------------------------------------------


    If life is to love What happens to love when betrayal lights your fear and yet no thought of who lives to love.

    With the betrayal of love the heart fails

    With the betrayal of love the mind takes flight.

    When the heart is betrayed the fire dies

    When the fire dies what do you do.

    Fade away on the sands of time or do you fight to rekindle the fire that has yet to grow.

    For life is not so easy to put out with a betrayal




    Submitted on 2006-04-25 17:42:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Its good,I really like the part: Fade away on the sands of time.

    The poem has great potential,I think you should maybe make it a little longer.Play off of the same idea,just stretch it a bit,describe it a bit more,use those awsome details I no are lurking in ur mind waiting to escape ; )
    lol

    great~safire
    | Posted on 2007-06-13 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very true. Well done, Laz. Execpt you should've put it like this:

    If life is to love
    What happens to love
    when betrayal lights your fear
    and yet no thought of who lives to love.

    Fade away on the sands of time
    or do you fight
    to rekindle the fire
    that has yet to grow.

    For life is not so easy
    to put out with a betrayal

    Other than that, it's sutekina (lovely). Well done.


    Beth
    | Posted on 2007-06-08 00:00:00 | by crimson_panda | [ Reply to This ]
      Great right this is so true. It nice simple sweet and to the point!! Great write.

    ~Christina aka POETRY
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, as per usual style, here are my nitpicking comments. (Sorry Laz, I have to do it, lol)
    Might I suggest breaking up the following stanzas a bit? Changing:
    If life is to love What happens to love when betrayal lights your fear and yet no thought of who lives to love.
    to:
    If life is to love
    What happens to love
    when betrayal lights your fear
    and yet no thought of who lives to love.
    and:
    Fade away on the sands of time or do you fight to rekindle the fire that has yet to grow.
    to:
    Fade away on the sands of time
    or do you fight
    to rekindle the fire
    that has yet to grow.
    and:
    For life is not so easy to put out with a betrayal
    to:
    For life is not so easy
    to put out with a betrayal
    Other than that, Laz, this is a great write. I really appreciate your style, and it is a fresh breath of air comapred to alot of the 'lymeric' style poems out there. You should really consider writing more often, and putting up more poetry.
    This poem is a great emotional piece, and it really evokes something inside of the reader, and pulls them into your feelings. However, it does leave me wondering, 'Just exactly who hurt who?'
    I really do understand where you are coming from though, and I really hope that soon you can find a way to get through whatever pain and sorrow you may be dealing with now.
    Never stop writing, and never give up hope.
    With Love,
    Sara
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I really can't believe i haven't commented on your work before but oh well I'm here now. this was awesome, just looking at the format I had some doubt as to how good it would be but I really liked this one. you had a lot of good points. sorry about the pain from this one, some scars stay with you and I think it's not that you have to forget, I think it's you have to move on, ya know take that experience and learn something from it but take that pain and make it easier to see what you'll lose the next time. I'm kinda rambling at this point lol, I guess just forgive and move on....two things I was never very good at myself but moving on is hard until you have something/someone else to get caught up on.
    ~love ya Laz,
    jess
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good work, I liked this. It's got great potential, the emotion you're dealing with is so strong and you're able to illustrate it but you're using a few clichéd and overused lines ('sands of time' 'mind takes flight' 'when the fire dies'. Just add some adjectives andchange the wordingsometo add more interest to emboss the feeling into the reader's mind. You need to take a step back when you're writing, and use the emotion. But I really liked it as is, great work.
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
      lz, i remember you writing this in the chat room. It is an astonishing poem. I like, keep up the good work and keep the juices flowing.



    Jessica
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by jslbabygirl101 | [ Reply to This ]
      Aah, Laz. This was a very emotional piece. Betrayed by the ones we love, I dunno, I think that is the only way we as ppl learn to appreciate others because we have experienced that hurt, if you love someone, you'd think twice before hurting them. To be honest, I think forgiveness is the only way to move on and up in life after that. It's the hardest thing to do but the most worthwhile. I find it hard to forgive when I get hurt, but i try so hey, if I can do it anyone can. If this relates to you personally which is usually the case, I hope you find Love again and lose the baggage before you do or it'll weigh you down.
    Take Care
    *Dani
    | Posted on 2006-04-30 00:00:00 | by firefoxvixen | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice. Good thoughts. Maybe break the first line and the sixth line so they match the flow of the rest, but that is just me. Great. Keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by Scribner | [ Reply to This ]
      so simple so true
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by iamwhoiam | [ Reply to This ]


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