A Lovers Quarrel -------------------------------------------
The lady walked into the local bar
Looked around and saw her star
He was there sitting all alone
No one to hold and call his own
She went to his table took a seat
Looking up their eyes did meet
He saw the tears she tried to hide
Still holding onto her foolish pride
Standing up he asked for a dance
Knowing she wanted alittle romance
He guided her across the room
Wanting to forget his recent gloom
Dancing to a soft melodic song
They swayed softly for so long
Electricity they both could feel
Chemistry that was so real
Asked her tonight to pretend to be
Happy, graceful and carefree
Every touch sat them on fire
Giving a burning, longing desire
She could not stay mad at this man
As she let him take her by the hand
He smiled, she giggled too
Her heart lifting no longer blue
Dancing this night away
Ready to face another day
Leading her outside the door
Taking her home wanting more.
A sweet piece of love poetry and not much to critique on this write. I do have a couple of points that I think could do with a little extra touch: "Asked her tonight to pretend to be Happy, graceful and carefree"
The content here is okay, but the rythm seem kid of forced, a rephrasing of these lines would help.
Then my eyes fell on these two lines: "She could not stay mad at this man As she let him take her by the hand"
There is not really anything wrong with them - the content just seems a bit odd. "She could not stay mad...", but at no point have we been given any reason to believe that she should be mad at him, or that she forgives him of anything at all. Therefore the lines seems like they are just put in there, but are referring to nothing, whereas every other line in the poem is building the love and the intensity between them. I suggest that you take these lines out, or rewrite them, so that they present a progression in the poem.
Yeah, Making up is always the best part of a lovers spat. I sometimes start one just so I can make up with my wife. Now she can be a little spitfire but its worth it in the end....Except when she is holding a frying pan. I like the setting you use here. I can picture a nice litle pub that is barely lit with some old laterens. The flicker of candles dance off of the walls and the music is Bryan Adams singing a slow song. Maybe 'When a Man Loves A Woman". My favorite of all his songs. Yeah I know I am such a mush.
You do paint a forgiving picture and The tears in the eyes thing is very seductive. Well to me anyways.
Nothing prettier than a woman who has those pouty eyes that look like they just had a good cry. Like Renee Zellweger or the lady off of Meet Joe Black..Clair somthing. Don't know the name just the face. Then again you paint a picture of the man with tears in his eye as if to say that he was deeply sorry and thought of losing you would be devistating.
Linda This one is really good I got a little confused with this one though Because I thought he was meeting a person and then near the end you used the Line she could not stay mad at this man That thru me off a little because I thought they just met Anyways that may be just me But I do like this one You opened your heart and showed that when 2 sad people come together they create Positive energy Thank You for sharing this God Bless Ron
Ah the chemistry of love... Always enjoy a good love poem and especially one that has a happy ending as this one does. I've heard it said that money is what makes the world go round but, I say it's love that makes the world go round and round and round! This was really nice Linda, you did a fine job writing this and I can find no fault in it. After all it is about love! Enjoyed the read....
Hi Linda, I'm answering that note you sent with a comment. I like the message here and the presentation is well done. Making up is so sweet and I get the drift that these two are lovers. One nit to pick.
Dancing to a soft melody song.
Did you mean melodic? And the next line does not rhyme(no pun) I won't make any suggestions to fix that, it's your piece. All in all a really fun read and glad I stopped in to see it. Lotsa love, Dan
Heh, heh, heh! Whooo-ba-daaa Shooo-ba-daaa Linda! neat little somewhat erotic type story. Will this dance go on forever or will it just be a fleeting glance? Neat how you left the reader in suspense as far as that goes. But your depiction of "that moment" was very catchy and done so poetically.
Just went looking through profiles and liked a few of your pieces so i thought i should comment on this very nice love piece....
I wished all relationships were like this...Not staying mad and just enjoying the night in the arms of someone who is trying to make you forget of your pain...Nothing is more romantic than that....especially when it works.
To be honest,i don't really think that the title fits the piece very well although it does link one another, i just don't think it's the best possible idea...There is so much to be understood from the piece that to give such title would underestimate the true intentions of this piece....
Also maybe a bit of separations such as stanzas would make this piece more format presentable...not that i have a problem with the current format...Just thought that maybe after completing one idea you would go to the next stanza to give the reader a little bit of breath to absorb those idea....
But still, this piece was worth reading...and i am very happy to have read this...