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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Lovers Quarreldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AlabamaFarmGirl
    ASL Info:    50/F/Alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 518/333/26
    Words: 170
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1583
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1075



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Lovers Quarreldots
    -------------------------------------------


    The lady walked into the local bar
    Looked around and saw her star
    He was there sitting all alone
    No one to hold and call his own
    She went to his table took a seat
    Looking up their eyes did meet
    He saw the tears she tried to hide
    Still holding onto her foolish pride
    Standing up he asked for a dance
    Knowing she wanted alittle romance
    He guided her across the room
    Wanting to forget his recent gloom
    Dancing to a soft melodic song
    They swayed softly for so long
    Electricity they both could feel
    Chemistry that was so real
    Asked her tonight to pretend to be
    Happy, graceful and carefree
    Every touch sat them on fire
    Giving a burning, longing desire
    She could not stay mad at this man
    As she let him take her by the hand
    He smiled, she giggled too
    Her heart lifting no longer blue
    Dancing this night away
    Ready to face another day
    Leading her outside the door
    Taking her home wanting more.




    Submitted on 2006-04-25 17:55:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A sweet piece of love poetry and not much to critique on this write.
    I do have a couple of points that I think could do with a little extra touch:
    "Asked her tonight to pretend to be
    Happy, graceful and carefree"

    The content here is okay, but the rythm seem kid of forced, a rephrasing of these lines would help.

    Then my eyes fell on these two lines:
    "She could not stay mad at this man
    As she let him take her by the hand"

    There is not really anything wrong with them - the content just seems a bit odd. "She could not stay mad...", but at no point have we been given any reason to believe that she should be mad at him, or that she forgives him of anything at all. Therefore the lines seems like they are just put in there, but are referring to nothing, whereas every other line in the poem is building the love and the intensity between them. I suggest that you take these lines out, or rewrite them, so that they present a progression in the poem.

    Best,
    -tZar


    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very sweet, Linda. a true love, when you can't be mad at someone and you thank God that he gave you a big enough throat to swallow your pride.

    i like the dancing theme.. with such chemistry between two, dancing is such bliss. *sigh*

    the rhyme was simple and effective for this piece.

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Wanting more? Like your readers, I would dare say.

    Nicely done, a snippet of an obviously bigger story that leaves the reader begging for more information.

    Wll done, Linda, you could write an epic on the strength of this

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-04-30 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, Making up is always the best part of a lovers spat. I sometimes start one just so I can make up with my wife. Now she can be a little spitfire but its worth it in the end....Except when she is holding a frying pan.
    I like the setting you use here. I can picture a nice litle pub that is barely lit with some old laterens. The flicker of candles dance off of the walls and the music is Bryan Adams singing a slow song. Maybe 'When a Man Loves A Woman". My favorite of all his songs. Yeah I know I am such a mush.

    You do paint a forgiving picture and The tears in the eyes thing is very seductive. Well to me anyways.

    Nothing prettier than a woman who has those pouty eyes that look like they just had a good cry. Like Renee Zellweger or the lady off of Meet Joe Black..Clair somthing. Don't know the name just the face. Then again you paint a picture of the man with tears in his eye as if to say that he was deeply sorry and thought of losing you would be devistating.

    Yeah I know I am rambling.

    Nice write Linda

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      Linda
    This one is really good
    I got a little confused with this one though
    Because I thought he was meeting a person and then near the end you used the Line she could not stay mad at this man
    That thru me off a little because I thought they just met
    Anyways that may be just me
    But I do like this one
    You opened your heart and showed that when 2 sad people come together they create Positive energy
    Thank You for sharing this
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems I'm the first female commenter on this poem.

    This reads like the couple had met before, (married?) perhaps had fought.. then met up again in the bar.. their passion and love reignites.. and well, we all know how fun it is to "make up".

    Perhaps in line 7, change "seen" to "saw"? It might read better.

    A nice story/poem. Made me smile.
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah the chemistry of love...
    Always enjoy a good love poem and especially one that has a happy ending as this one does.
    I've heard it said that money is what makes the world go round but, I say it's love that makes the world go round and round and round!
    This was really nice Linda, you did a fine job writing this and I can find no fault in it. After all it is about love!
    Enjoyed the read....


    !doc'
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Linda, I'm answering that note you sent with a comment. I like the message here and the presentation is well done. Making up is so sweet and I get the drift that these two are lovers. One nit to pick.

    Dancing to a soft melody song.

    Did you mean melodic? And the next line does not rhyme(no pun) I won't make any suggestions to fix that, it's your piece. All in all a really fun read and glad I stopped in to see it. Lotsa love, Dan
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      Heh, heh, heh!
    Whooo-ba-daaa
    Shooo-ba-daaa
    Linda!
    neat little somewhat erotic type story. Will this dance go on forever or will it just be a fleeting glance? Neat how you left the reader in suspense as far as that goes. But your depiction of "that moment" was very catchy and done so poetically.

    Nice one.
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      What a lovely story of boy meets girl - girl meets boy and the rest I suppose is history. I liked the inclusion of 'dancing'. It enhanced the imagery. What a vivid imagination you have Linda.

    As usual, very vivid and very good.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Linda,

    Just went looking through profiles and liked a few of your pieces so i thought i should comment on this very nice love piece....

    I wished all relationships were like this...Not staying mad and just enjoying the night in the arms of someone who is trying to make you forget of your pain...Nothing is more romantic than that....especially when it works.

    To be honest,i don't really think that the title fits the piece very well although it does link one another, i just don't think it's the best possible idea...There is so much to be understood from the piece that to give such title would underestimate the true intentions of this piece....

    Also maybe a bit of separations such as stanzas would make this piece more format presentable...not that i have a problem with the current format...Just thought that maybe after completing one idea you would go to the next stanza to give the reader a little bit of breath to absorb those idea....

    But still, this piece was worth reading...and i am very happy to have read this...

    Do take care....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      This was sweet. Amazing how long the flame can be lit. No matter the age, no matter anything...there is always that burning passion that remains in our hearts.

    This was a cute write. Very innocent yet very full of love. I can envision these two people in a country bar....getting up and doing the ten step.....smiling and feeling each others connection....

    then afterwards.....well.....still that innocence is found.

    I really liked this one. Not too many of the sweet writes on this site any more. Great to see that somebody still sees the light of the world and can reflect it amongst the rest of us!

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]


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