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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cyber Pastdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Faith_Disease
    ASL Info:    17/M
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 278/141/29
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 790
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1093



    Description:
        Heres another test subject, amputation, laboratory type poem. This one is more about the trauma resulting from it and has a science fiction-ey feel to it. Tell me what you think, and if you dont like it, tell me why so i can improve.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCyber Pastdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Consciousness.
    Liquid resurrection.
    Coated watchers drilling deep inside.
    Fear is showing,
    shadows rising
    amid the circuits and the silicon

    Reborn into steel,
    bloodstains still remain.
    Nothing left to feel.
    Test tubes dripping pain.

    Torture tools illuminate the walls.
    Muted screams echo throughout the halls.
    Crystal light filters through the blinds.
    Nightmares wired into electric minds.

    Unconsiousness.
    Tainted anesthesia
    brings chemical sedation.
    Frozen solid,
    drugs injected,
    drifting off to lifeless sleep.

    Catatonic trance,
    cold, silent abyss.
    Watching memories dance,
    gases hum and hiss.

    Dreams from hell infect the straining soul,
    White room horrors swallow me whole.
    Soundless terrors give birth to icy chills.
    World of fluids, world of sleeping pills.

    Broken glass litters the floor,
    The window open,
    I just might break free




    Submitted on 2006-04-25 19:46:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i love this one! great rhyming and flow, nice imagery...and kinda creepy in that "it's not real but it makes it seem like it is" sorta way...it gives me the feeling of being in a psychiatric ward...idk if that was the intended purpose, but that's what it gives off to me...gives me the feeling of being medicated too...like not necessarliy anesthesia, but like antidepressant type of medicated...not fun...love it! favorites add coming up!

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2006-07-30 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      ok this was good " but" I would Improve some of it

    "Consciousness.
    Liquid resurrection.
    Coated watchers drilling deep inside.
    Fear is showing,
    shadows rising
    amid the circuits and the silicon"
    'I cry'

    -------------

    this was good but the last to lines were a bit off in my opinion

    "Unconsiousness.
    Tainted anesthesia
    brings chemical sedation.
    Frozen solid,
    drugs injected, ?
    drifting off to lifeless sleep. ?"

    -------------

    Beautiful near perfection

    "Catatonic trance,
    cold, silent abyss.
    Watching memories dance,
    gases hum and hiss."

    -------------

    I really didnt like it I dont think that it fits

    Broken glass litters the floor,
    The window open,
    I just might break free

    -------------

    Sorry for being harsh


    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Animus Custodis | [ Reply to This ]
      Totally, all of your poems have excellent vocabulary and I love it! I liked the part about nightmares being wired into electric brains, that planted a graphic image in my head and it made your poem so much better!
    I'm getting ready to submit a few, so check them out by the way, lol


    *Tox*
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      f.uck this was amazing, I loved the whole thing, don't change anything! lol. I really do love ur more sci-fi/ lab/mental insitution writes, my imagination often wanders to the same subjects to the point where I'll sometimes have these bizzaro dreams about such thing. Your wording, as always, was awesome, I'm so jealous ;P. great write, can't wait for the next one, tell me how much longer ur grounded for lol....
    -death
    (jess)
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sweet write. Vivid Imagery like i was actually there and I saw what was happening it was awesome. You used a slightly different theme this time but it still resembles the whole labratory expirimentation theme. Remindes me of V for Vendetta except v wasnt a robot. Still it was awesome and thanx for the comment Btw where have you been l8tly I havent seen you in like 2 months ur never around anymore. Are you Grounded??? well i am (again T_T) Whtvr cul8r

    Kevin
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Harmageddon | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really powerful
    This write definately took on a life of its own
    At first I thought you were referring to Life saving drugs and then I realized you were referring to the final stop for someone that has been sentenced to death
    This write is very thought provoking
    You did an excellent job with this
    God Bless
    Ron

    And Thank You for making Self Hypnosis A Favorite
    I have been told that is one of mt best writes
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It's hard to say what I'm thinking.

    It's like a story with no beginning, no end, making you wish for a sequel that won't come.

    The various mentions of 'pure' things made me think of perfection, but the nightmarish, torturous setting gave this piece something I'm pretty sure I've never even thought about until now. Everything about it screams 'horror', but not with the usual gruesome settings. More of an angsty horror.

    Hm... You've made me think.
    | Posted on 2006-11-16 00:00:00 | by Darkess | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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