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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fear of Deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katana Ryoko
    ASL Info:    17/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.86 - 483/428/109
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1504
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 911



    Description:
       I could add to it but should I? Tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFear of Deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Make that final step
    To ending my life
    But every time
    I reach for the knife
    I keep holding back
    Am I scared of it?
    The unknown
    Of what is coming
    After all blood is gone
    Maybe I'll try another way
    Pills that will make me
    Sleep death away
    Will I fall into an
    Eternal sleep
    Or will I eventually
    Wake up from a dream?
    But why end my life
    When I could end yours
    You caused my depression
    When you slept with that slut
    So why should I suffer
    While you smile with her
    My decision is made
    Your fate is sealed by me
    I won't give you time to beg
    And try to take it all back
    I won't give in to hesitation
    I'll make sure to do it quick
    Giving you time to only
    See your love, your killer




    Submitted on 2006-04-26 13:24:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Venom.
    | Posted on 2007-08-07 00:00:00 | by Vampiric Death | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this piece gave me chills up my spine. I found it really creepy, especially the ending. It's really well written though. I don't think I've ever found a poem anywhere that creeped me out. You have such an ability to describe something so well that it seems real. My favorite lines were:
    "I'll make sure to do it quick
    Giving you time to only
    See your love, your killer"
    I must admit it was the last line the sent the shiver up my spine. In ways, it felt like this piece was a bit of a cliffhanger, because you would start describing something, but never really finish telling us about it, and that was just a perfect ending in my opinion. It tied everything together and it was like everything became clear. Great write, yet again.

    Crystal
    | Posted on 2006-10-28 00:00:00 | by x__beenplayed | [ Reply to This ]
      good. but i think you coudl add some more to it. its really good and i really like it but it jsut needs a little something more the way u express ur feelings it s a wonder.

    ::But why end my life
    When I could end yours
    You caused my depression
    When you slept with that slut
    So why should I suffer
    While you smile with her
    My decision is made::

    these lines are the best i saw this and it reminded me of my ex, this was greatly worded i think. well great job! i rally liked it but u coudl work on it some like add some detail. other than that its good. k. bye
    an [x] to an {oh}
    <3 Kel
    | Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by bleedinbabygrl8 | [ Reply to This ]
      i think it needed more in this one so i would say add some it definitly kept my interest but i was expecting more out of it and i really agree with muzak it needs some juicing up seemed a little bland but not at all a bad poem keep working on it with your writing.

    a decent poem with a lot more possible in it

    if you like dark poetry check mine out if you get a chance

    Chris
    | Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by ROSHAY9992000 | [ Reply to This ]
      Why is it always that the end seems to juice up everything. That itself is a skill but a one which many possess. Try 'juicing up' your whole poem. Think beyond fear, express the poem in two views. Everything has 2 or more perspectives attached to it. You've stated the more pessimistic view. Along with that try the optimistic one.

    Overall its pretty good.
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Muzak | [ Reply to This ]
      hey!! yes i defiently think you should add a lilttle more to this!! just a little but your at a fanstastic start! good job!
    ~akaila~
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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