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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Between Sex & Democracydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The41stSmibble
    ASL Info:    19 male england
    Elite Ratio:    2.95 - 41/60/15
    Words: 230
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 185
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1413



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetween Sex & Democracydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Black lipstick and piercings along
    With an unfinished poem, a half written song;
    Telling of love and society too,
    Were I don’t fit in, except with you.
    A cuddle was given when a kiss was due
    Which made me smile, I was happy with you.

    Days together and nights apart;
    Bullets and butterflies begin to start.
    So I grab my bag and make my escape;
    Using cliché snoring; on an old blank tape.
    In the pouring rain, down the training park,
    We are together again, making love in the dark.

    Waking to a cold and authority;
    Taking you and grabbing me.
    For smashing us apart they take my blame;
    And with this I vow, I’ll do the same.
    Because to them, they have been warned;
    There’s nothing worse than a lover scorned.

    Through the fire and silhouettes;
    Ruffled hair and torn fish-nets,
    You walk to me, but take your time,
    I’ve took there world, like they took mine.
    As you fall into my arms and into me;
    Like hell it burns, for all to see.

    A smile and a tear at the same time,
    My hand on your chin, your forehead on mine.
    Making up for the moments we missed;
    And for the seconds that we never kissed.
    We have no need for democracies lies,
    I don’t need them now, coz I’m in your eyes.




    Submitted on 2006-04-26 13:43:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      The rhythm was so on key that I just read on through it concentrating on the meaning and forgetting all about the rhythm, because it flowed so well.

    There is little to critique here...

    The imagery is not exactly dark to me, in fact the somewhat 'gothic' images of 'black lipstick and piercings' and 'ruffled hair and torn fishnets'
    comes across as playfully romantic and almost symbolic. Of what, I'm not really sure, though.
    Maybe the ironic ruefulness of the game of love? Pretty to look at, but hinting at something darker, sadder?
    I like how this poem (or is it me) can't quite decide if it wants to be deeper or plainer;
    it seems to hover between the more complex meanings, "Days together and nights apart;
    Bullets and butterflies begin to start", and the more simply put sentiments, such as the very first stanza,
    " Black lipstick and piercings along
    with an unfinished poem, a half written song;
    Telling of love and society too,
    where I don't fit in, except with you.
    A cuddle was given where a kiss was due,
    which made me smile, I was happy with you."

    It doesn't exactly alternate between deeply and simply put, instead it rather hovers.
    It has the flavor of a modern classic to me. Although, is it just me, or are people like us who spend so much time putting poetry on the Internet looked down on as pathetic losers with no life by those who can't relate or think they are better writers? As if we can't get published, so we put it on the web along all the rest of the crappy teen angst and mangled, amateur, fainly emotional prose?

    Where did I get off on that, anyway? I mean, there really are many talented, intelligent, friendly young people (and some old people, too) on this site who have a real chance of making something of themselves.
    Oh well. Back to the poem..

    The only mistake I found was in stanza four, line four; "There" should have been 'their' because of the way you used it.
    Oh yes, and in the last line, maybe you'd want to change " 'coz" to ''cause", or maybe it's just an expression of free spirited nonchalance, content confidence, in the presence of your beloved? Or am I reading too much into it?
    Maybe you just forgot how to spell ' 'cause'.
    Hehe yeah sure.

    Shalom

    ~Skyniffer~



    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      hi bubz, i loved this it was raw with great flow and rhyming, u have agreat talent,
    thanx for sharing ill b reading your other work
    keep em cummin babe

    kyrenia
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jimmy

    Love your poem, It's so intense. I really love the way you express yourself, with words. Hope you're doing well. And that College isn't taking up all your time. Have a great Day.
    *Dani
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by firefoxvixen | [ Reply to This ]
      damn good my man, i could relate and that i appreciate. it was a bit longer then what i'm used to but it cought my intrest with your title and gave me a completely different story.
    thats the great thing about this piece, you look at the title and thren read it and thier two completely different stories fused and bonded.

    as for corrections???? if anything at all it'd have to be this line "I don’t need them now, coz I’m in your eyes." the only thing is the "Coz" but hel i really dont even think it makes that much of a diff
    great read
    ~Tryst
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Trystam | [ Reply to This ]



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