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What a funny little thing you are!
How did you come to be?
Did father time spin you too?
or were you born of the trees?
My precious little sparrow friend,
you flit and dart and flee.
but precious time I spend to watch
a part of you inside me,
a part that loves no careworn past
and worries, not in the least.
Sweet feathered, singing, winged thing
you are a part of me.
| Actually, this is very close to being finished. If you look at what you've written, you'll see your lines follow a very nearly regular pattern of 8686868686 syllables. Go with that, I think and not only will your little sparrow flit to and fro. but so will your lines and your rhythm. Just a thought. I lso have a poem about reflections and a sparrow, but it's a bit darker. It's called "The Finch" if you want to take a look. I read your poem because it made me think of my own and I Wanted to see what other people thought of such little birds. I think you, having written this lovely piece might empathize with what I'm trying to show in my poem better than some others might.||| Posted on 2007-03-11 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ] || Okay, this was cute and well-written for what it was. I thought the title fit well and the rhythm worked except for two places:|
The fourth line would work better as "born of trees" instead of "the trees". The extra syllable threw me off.
The tenth line reads better as "not the least" instead of "not in the least". Again the extra beat ruins the rhythm.
Besides those few small points I thought this was well done. Thanks for sharing!
|| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ] |