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Rage Against the Page


Author: Memphis
ASL Info:    21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:    5.13 - 130 /158 /31
Words: 70
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1308
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 423



Description:


I wrote something for the first time in months. Let me know what you think. I appreciate all comments.


Rage Against the Page



You can rage across the page
If you like. No one will stop
You. Burn across it with your
Words that mean everything
To you. Bridge the gap between
Tree bark and people with a
Little graphite and sometimes
A bit of ink. Who knew trees
And hands had the potential
Of infinity. Rage and make
Love all at once. On the page.
The page in front of you.




Submitted on 2006-04-26 20:17:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Well, these are certainly refined thoughts. I like the metaphors very much, but their expression is stilted. You appear to be breaking the lines by some “rule of 7”. There’s no need for this. In fact, it degrades the poem, detracting from both its flow and emphasis. “No one...you” belongs on a separate line. Other changes (please note question mark after “infinity”):
Burn across it with THE words
that mean everything to you;
bridge the gap
between tree bark and people,
with a little graphite,
sometimes a bit of ink.
Who knew THAT trees and hands
had the potential
of infinity?
Rage and make love all at once
on the page,
the page in front of you.

Whether you like my particular choices for line breaks or choose others, the original ones do not really butress your intended meanings. The capitalized words are suggested word changes. “Who knew trees” can have 2 meanings.
Again: Nice ideas, and I hope my suggestions make them flow a bit better.
fred
| Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with departed one and I really liked it except for the part "the page in front of you---what's that all about---ar3e we supposed to be dumb or what? Why the tone as if we the reader I mean became retarded....eh it's allright I'm not sure of the meaning behind this I would love to know Why the rage on the page--cool rhyme? And how do we make love and rage at the same time btw???

lamemansterms
| Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  This certainly is worth something. Namely, revision.

It started out compellingly enough, in fact, remained so throughout except it got a little redundant at the end. Just a few fixer uppers should polish this up to a nice shine:

"You can rage
across the page
if you like.
No one affect you;
Burn it across with words
that mean everything
to you.
Bridge the gap between tree bark
and people with a little graphite
and sometimes a bit of ink.
(Who knew trees and hands had the potential of infinity?)
Rampage
and make love
all at once;
Live in the page right in front of you."

Just a structural suggestion there; otherwise I think this is a very, what word to use, heavy, i suppose, description of what it's like to be young and a writer.

When you make the revision, I would like to come back and see, so let me know and maybe I'll make a new addition to my favorites list.

Peace out

~Skyniffer~
| Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this write, though I had a few reservations about the structure


You can rage across the page
If you like. No one will stop
You. Burn across it with your
Words that mean everything
To you. Bridge the gap between
Tree bark and people with a
Little graphite and sometimes
A bit of ink. Who knew trees
And hands had the potential
Of infinity. Rage and make
Love all at once. On the page.
The page in front of you.

I felt it weird the way you structure certained lines. Maybe if you did some thing like this

You can rage across the page if you like.
No one will stop you.
Burn across it with your words
that mean everything to you.
Bridge the gap between
tree bark and people with a
little graphite and sometimes a bit of ink.
Who knew trees and hands
had the potential of infinity.
Rage and make love all at once.
On the page, the page in front of you.

Flowed better that way aleast how I read it but than again thats just a matter of opinion. What I really found weird was more of the caps in middle sentence rather than line structure. But regardless of my nitpicks I did enjoy this write.
Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.

| Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nicely done - you manage to portray your emotion in a structured and very understandable way. Your frustration with poetry and words is evident (aren't we all?).

You can rage across the page
If you like. No one will stop
You. Burn across it with your
Words that mean everything
To you. Bridge the gap between
Tree bark and people with a
Little graphite and sometimes
A bit of ink. Who knew trees
And hands had the potential
Of infinity. Rage and make
Love all at once. On the page.
The page in front of you.

I would suggest changing somethingabout that last line; I find that it somehow detracts from the overall effect of the poem - it isn't biting or cynical or anything. Either stop at the line before, or alter it.

I like the way you break the objects known to us as 'paper' and pencil' or 'pen' down into 'graphite' and 'bark' and 'ink' (the ink one is a bit overused though).

Your use of enjambment was brilliant. I also like the way that you say "Burn accross it with the words that mean everything to you."
Yeah, I guess that happens. You're saying that the words may mean a whole lot to the aithor, but who the hell cares? They hold no meaning for other people. That's why the best poems are universal (Robert Frost).

Your theme is also quite universal - every poet feels that way. An ambivalent sentiment held towards poetry perse. Anyway, again, very well done.

Shana.
| Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by shana | [ Reply to This ]


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