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desirable admiration(revised)

Author: musclebound350
ASL Info:    26/male
Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 197 /202 /70
Words: 97
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1412
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 707


Just a few thoughts I put down. Trying to describe someone I know. I love this person very much and every poem I write that tries to describe her is never good enough. They never seem to describe her in the way I truley see her. I guess thats what they call speechless or at loss of words. Call it a cliché I dont care, it's original to me. Constructive criticism, please.

desirable admiration(revised)

Such beauty should be gazed upon,
for no compliment could match the true description
of ones profound looks.
The great complexities of ones character,
matching there unique exterior being,
is of rare finding.
One bestowed with such beauty,
as of an angel from above,
nevertheless a personality like none other.
A disposition of outstanding inherent traits,
delicately pieced together from a master of it's trade.
An eccentric being of which one dreams to see,
words cannot express these feelings.
An articulation of my love,
A mere combination of words,
failing to express ones deepest thoughts.

Submitted on 2006-04-27 17:37:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Are you speaking here of someone you love and/or admire or of yourself and your own thoughts about yourself? Or are you talking about the difficulty in general of expressing in words your sense of beauty? It would be helpful if you gave the reader a clearer idea here, especially if you have some particular person in mind. Nevertheless I like your flow of words and phrases. Regarding the final three lines: what does the "They" refer to at the beginning of the line, 'They are of an utterance?" Second, "utterance when spoken upon" is awkward; does one speak on an utterance? Need to clarify this. Third, last line, "failing to exemplify one's deepest thoughts:" would it be better to use the word "express" rather than 'exemplify?" It would be more direct and make more sense I think.
Obviously you are a lover of words and I hope you will write more for this site!
| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by robbie111999 | [ Reply to This ]

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