Please, someone tell me. by RyukiTZR

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Submission Name: Please, someone tell me. dots

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Author:	RyukiTZR
ASL Info:	14/F/-
Elite Ratio:	3.94 - 133/130/44
Words:	190

Class/Type:	Rant/Depressed
Total Views:	355
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1353

Description:

Please, someone tell me. dots

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Can I say that...

I'm crying right now?

Can I admit that...

I'm just a foolish kid who wants attention?

But even so, what can I do about it?

Everything's so...
Empty,
Too vast to grasp,
Living on with something that might not exist...
'Exist',.. so am I alive?

Can I say...

I'm ugly on the inside?

With just too many things to hide?

May I just...

Punch your nose off,

And say you're very pretty?

Everything's so...
Empty,
Too vast to grasp,
Living on with something that might not exist...
'Exist',.. so am I alive?

I don't know what I'm feeling anymore,

Yea copy that line from Linkin Park.

So 'I've become so numb...'

I can't feel myself there.
I can feel all the other idiots here.
I 'm moving on,
To becoming more and more stuck-up.
Is this what is becoming of me?
Is this a thinking of a growing silly child?

I don't even know what the hell is my problem in Life.
Please, someone tell me.

Submitted on 2006-04-28 08:37:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  it seems like a black hole... this is a good thing in that i can actually empathize with what you're saying the feeling itself, I can't be so optimisitic about. nice write
| Posted on 2006-05-30 00:00:00 | by BrokenStream | [ Reply to This ]
  First, the nitpicking.. Perhaps too many blank lines, but it could still work. I suggest turning this:
Living on with something that might not exist...
'Exist',.. so am I alive?
to this:
Living on with something
that might not exist...
'Exist',..
so am I alive?
and this:
I don't even know what the hell is my problem in Life
to this:
I don't even know
what the hell is my problem in Life
If you want to keep the white space, you might consider an empty line before the last line, to set it off from the rest.
Now, to the comments. I really like the flow, other than the two parts I pointed out. It has fairly decent grammer, good composition, and though it is lacking in imagery, it makes up for it in emotion. I really enjoyed reading this, and will continue to read your work.
| Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, you've summed up what thirteen feels like, I'll give you that. Because this piece holds more of personal thought, and this is the truth written nicely, there is little I can comment on. To be honest, I'm better with rhymed poetry with events. However, I think that after the word " 'Exist' " you should replace the comma with another dot. Also, although 'yeah' isn't necessarily a word, an 'h' at the end makes it sound more like one, lol. In the stanza before last, you've got "I'm".

Nitpicking over, I'm going to comment on poetry generally. Bear with me for a second, because although every poet has their own style, it takes them a long time to discover it. Take two easy examles: William Shakespeare and Robert Frost. Both were natural writer's and both today, are derided and complimented in differing ways. There is a lot of difference between their styles, look:

"Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth,
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow,
Feeds on the rarities of natures truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow;
And yet, to times, in hope, my verse shall stand,
Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand. "
by Shakespeare, and:

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
by Frost.

'So what?' you ask. Well, my point is that every poet has their own style, and no poet could ever find their style by sticking to one. Free verse is beautiful in it's own way, and you have great talent at expressing thoughts along with emotion, but I think you should try something new. And I don't mean rhyming. I mean some originality, something that only you have ever felt before, something that no one has heard. Only then, will you find the style awaiting for you.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the way you put things together. it was full of emotion and i did like the little linkin park add it it caught me off gaurd but it was a nice relief from the emptiness the rant/poem conveied. your concept was good and for a rant came out very nice. adn just to put in my 2 cents i've felt like that "I don't know what I'm feeling anymore," and its all a matter of time, it too me forever to find it again....but you'll find it its hard being inbetween things and its hard feeling like you have to hide and then of course the hiding itself kills.....but think of it this way you worte a really nice rant/poem thing.
i hope things get better for you.
good write
| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by ira | [ Reply to This ]
  i love it think it's gr8 and i love linkin park
| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by brokenfairy | [ Reply to This ]
  Woah.. That was pretty good. And I could totally sympathize for it. Sure.. Someone is just going to say 'YEA I LUV LINKIN PARK LOL', but it went alot deeper. It felt original, and it made me think. If I have to leave a complaint, it was that I could never get into the flow of it, but I'm no poet, so I dunno if that was deliberate.
| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by silentblade | [ Reply to This ]

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