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    dots Submission Name: The Punk Boydots

    Author: eternaldarkness
    ASL Info:    16/F
    Elite Ratio:    4.07 - 77/98/32
    Words: 250
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1271
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1534

       revision of the original.

    i think it's better.

    but it needs some more edits. and im not sure about the whole "punk boy" thing. i don't like that word. but it just....fits i guess.

    unlike the first, this one isn't a song. yet. i might make it into one. but for now, it's a poem

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Punk Boydots

    Itís the boy in the black,
    With the hat turned slightly to the left.
    His left, our right.

    The one that always says the right things,
    At the precise moment itís needed.
    The one that gets you to melt into his hands.

    Heís the one that always laughs,
    And interrupts the teacher
    To say some irrelevant joke.
    Until smiles fill the room.
    But inside his head,
    Itís all so different.
    The world is dead.

    They all knew that there was something off.
    Something was eating him up inside.
    But they never knew how deep the problem lay.
    Hidden in the heart of this punk boy
    His demons fed on his terror.

    He drank it all down.
    All the pain, all the harm.
    His vision was blurred.
    One second blue, the next it was black.
    Before he knew it, he was on the floor
    The boy met concrete, and became good friends.

    They all heard the stories,
    And couldnít believe it was true.
    How could the perfect guy,
    Hurt so much on the inside?

    They all wanted to help.
    To lend the outstretched hand.
    But they didnít know
    How the punk boy didnít want their help
    Didnít want to talk.
    But how he needed their help.
    They said that theyíve always loved the punk boy
    They said that theyíve always loved the punk boy.
    But he knows that Iíve always loved the boy.

    Submitted on 2006-04-28 14:46:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ummmmmm... okay. Well the title caught my attention because it's hightly stereotypical, and so, I like to read things that are highly-this or highly-that. I'm not really sure what you were going for with this poem. If you were trying to point out the unoriginality of being punk by writing an unoriginal poem, then you did a good job. I don't really think you should call it The Punk Boy. If you must make references to punkness, I would sugggest incorporating a description of what he looks like, implying he is punk but letting people come to terms with their own stereotypes of people. The form is very irregular, which doesn't always matter but... I suggest taking a few key ideas and starting over. Let me know when you do, because I woudl love to read it again. I'm serious too, please let me know when you rewrite it. Thanks.
    Peace, Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]

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