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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Anatomy of a Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 452
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1498
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2014



    Description:
       My life, oh what fun!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnatomy of a Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My heart's a bloodstained wreck
    Like a bird with a severed neck

    Fragile bones, donned with lace
    Disposable life, out of place

    These blackened heartstrings
    Are as hard diamond rings
    Shattered; fallen to the floor
    Beautiful; but nevermore

    Rusty nails driven in
    Reconcile for worthless sin

    When Death come calling at your door
    There's no one to love you, anymore

    Masses of bruises, black and blue
    Here still fresh, there, a fainter hue
    With every fucking insult reaped
    It's one less tear to ever weeped

    Because now i'm so filled with hate
    Once again, kindness came too late

    I want so badly to be in control
    But this fucking world has taken its toll

    A fresh cut here, a brand new wound
    You're killing me, unto my doom
    With every gash is a newborn stitch
    Just scabs we pick at when they itch

    Hold my heart like a hand grenade
    A sham of love, a bloody charade

    Sores fail to make me stronger
    Praying this heart beats no longer

    Like dejected angels we fall
    Like broken soldiers we crawl
    Our hearts are barely beating
    This war...so defeating

    Torn in shreds, torn apart
    Drive a stake through my heart

    Blame me., for what I believe
    Shame me, for I'll just decieve

    The heart holds the memories
    But it failed to save to reveries;
    That get me through each day
    Without them....
    The borderline....
    Inside my mind....
    Begins to....
    f
    r
    a
    y..........






    Submitted on 2006-04-28 16:28:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hello. awesome poem. Dont exactly know what all to say that hasnt been said already. your pain and torment..the saddness all shows greatly. It flows and rymes really well, you can just read it and images of whats going on just flow in your head. If u dont mind im going to put it on my favorites. Love the picture on your profile also. ^_^
    *star*
    | Posted on 2006-05-30 00:00:00 | by star goddess | [ Reply to This ]
      Hah, nice angst, first good anst I've read in awhile seeing as the last poem I read was 2 weeks ago. Your poem has a good concept and I like the line flow and the imagery was great. Your rhyming threw it off, at times it was forced and at others good. But that's jsut the curse with rhyming. The poem was great, and I like the stanza structure. Just your rhyming was the only thing I didn't like in some areas mostly the beggining and some in the end. Great Job on this, it's going on my faves.

    Well talk to ya Later
    Paco the Poet of Arson
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by Flamequill | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, i love the beginning, its like a someone just grabs your neck and makes you read it. This is one of the best intros to a poem that i've read i really like it. I love the bloody imagery too like

    "a bird with a severed neck"

    that is so original and descriptive. awesome right there. There are many more lines that fit in with your bloody tone and are original but i just wanted to point that one out. One thing though that feels funny is the cussing, i dont have anything against it, but it just seems out of place here, your tone doesn't really match one for cussing and kinda makes the poem start to feel a little more complaining. That's just what i think, but other than that, i loved your similes and descriptions and bloody pictures that you painted in my head

    Peace,
    Faith
    | Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this was really neat. Unlike anything I've read before. I really liked it. However, we cannot trust this world or be content within it (though there's no way possible to) we need to trust in God.

    Kris
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by Raindrops | [ Reply to This ]
      well alot of what i wanted to said has been said...so there no need to put it. i liked it though your scheme is good and it flows well.
    and i could really feel your pain it seeped out through the words. and overall well...it was good. its sad and full of suffering and it brings many images to mind like the first line with the brid, all the blood and such so you did a good job. keep it up ....hahaha.....
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by ira | [ Reply to This ]
      After seeing your thoughts on the forums, I thought I had better check out your work.

    This is emotional and painful as hell. I think you've done a good job of expressing the turmoil and the futility felt in someone's life (yours?).

    You've asked for a serious critique in a PM so here goes:

    You've chosen a simple AA rhyme scheme, which is working, but it adds a level of difficulty in being consistent. The other typical weak spot of simple rhyme is lightness, which would kill this piece, but you've already avoided that well. I'll mix in thoughts inline. There's a lot here, but take it with a grain of salt. It's YOUR piece and should stay that way.


    My heart's a bloodstained wreck
    Like a bird with a severed neck

    Fragile
    >BONES<(typo), donned with lace
    Disposable life, out of place

    These blackened heartstrings
    Remind you of diamond rings

    You've added a person (you) here. Plus, I'm unclear how the heartstrings and diamond rings fit together.
    Shattered; fallen to the floor
    Beautiful; but nevermore

    Rusty nails driven in
    Reconcile for worthless sin

    When Death's
    >COMES CALLING< (better rhythm?)at your door
    There's no one to love you, anymore

    Beating strong at times of new
    A fresh bruise, black and blue

    This one seems forced. Maybe
    Masses of bruises, black and blue
    Here still fresh, there, a fainter hue

    With every fucking insult you reap
    It's one less tear I'll ever weep

    Your pronouns aren't agreeing here. If it's a first person story, then they should both be I. Otherwise both you. Alternatively, you could leave them out altogether
    "With every fucking insult to reap
    It's one less tear alive to weep"

    Because now i'm so filled with hate
    Once again, kindness came too late

    I want so badly to be in control
    But this fucking world has taken its
    >TOLL< (sp)

    A fresh cut >HERE< (flow, also makes it more personal), a brand new wound
    You're killing me, unto my doom
    With every gash is a newborn stitch
    Just scabs we pick at
    >WHEN THEY< (flow) itch

    Hold my heart like a hand grenade
    Pretend love, a bloody
    >CHARADE< (sp)
    Pretend isn't really working for me. Maybe "invented" or "A sham of"

    These sores fail to make me stronger
    Can't wait 'til this heart beats no longer

    Seems a bit forced maybe:
    "These sores fail to make me strong
    The wait for the end, it seems so long"
    Well, maybe, I'm worse LOL

    You change your meter pretty dramatically here. I think you should offset that somehow. Maybe with leading spaces or just a couple of blank lines. Something to tell us that you're in charge of this poem and you're changing it HERE.

    Like dejected angels we fall
    Like broken soldiers we crawl
    Our hearts
    >< barely beating
    This war,
    >IT's< defeating

    Torn in shreds, torn apart
    Drive a stake through my heart

    Blame me
    >FOR< iwhat I believe
    Shame me, for I'll just decieve

    It holds the dispicable memories
    But it failed to save to reveries;

    I'm not quite sure what "it" is
    That get me through each day
    Without them, the borderline inside my mind
    Begins to fray


    This last bit breaks the pattern and I like that, but I think you can do more with it. It really sounds like you're just about to lose your mind. Hmmm. Maybe:

    It holds dispicable memories
    It failed to save to reveries;

    That get me through each day
    Without them...
        the borderline inside
            my mind...
               Begins ...
      to
            f
            r
             a
              y




    Hope this helps,



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, it's an oft-covered topic, but the imagery was more sophisticated than most poems in this vein. So I'm not sure where I stand on this one. I do know, however, that I loved the opening--"My heart's a bloodstained wreck/like a bird with a severed neck."
    I think it would flow better if you put a semicolon after 'wreck' and took out 'like.' But that's just my opinion.

    -Later Days-
    Mel
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem is screaming with emotion and longing to love. Well i will love you then b/c i believe every one needs love no matter from who. And some has to be crazy if they dont love that emotional burst in the beginning.
    " My heart's a bloodstained wreck
    Like a bird with a severed neck"
    bea-U- Ti- Ful and thanks for adding my "busted" poem to your fav. much thank n love

    Shelby
    | Posted on 2006-06-13 00:00:00 | by sravenlyn | [ Reply to This ]
      the whole thing has an angry gory sort of feeling to it, i love it! it makes you think of more than just the cliché of it all *the whole cutting/i dont want to live thing* and think of what the physical body feels when you're going through stuff like that. most people focus on what it does to your emotions, and this poem could go either way, the gory-ness of it all just brings the pain *physical* factor into it, and the angry words and the semi-quick beat of it make you feel beaten down like, physically. keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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