On The Wind
She stands on the edge of her world
Arms raised to catch the wind.
It carries her across the sea into my thoughts again.
waiting for her beauty
And the soul she hides within.
Whispers to me; “tomorrow.”
A cool wind blows east,
and the journey begins.
She thought it was the wind that pulled back her hair,
She thought it a dream, that tender touch.
She thought it all just a pleasant illusion.
But I was truly there by her side
It was I, not the wind that kissed her lips.
The chill she felt run across her neck
a soft breath as I whispered in her ear,
“I am hear,
I am always hear.”
So there we sat on that bench for a while
eyes closed, an everlasting smile
our hearts beating as one,
warmed the mood.
We cared little what the rest of the world would think.
As we lost our selves in each other.
An absolute place
| The ending was exquisite.|
How it got there, I think, needs a little more polishing. The first half of stanza two doesn't flourish as much as the first stanza does because of the way you chose to explain it... I think. "It was I... not the wind." Surely the wind could be something more than just the wind, right? That the monotony of its presence could be echoed by something more colorful.
But then again... maybe that was done that way in order to pass the wind off as a person; I don't know.
I'm not sure what to make of it, though.
Anyway, the piece as a whole, was ok. The thoughts it carries are exquisite and I think that it has the potential to go further.
But ofcourse, that's just my humble opinion.
And I usually talk out of my ass.
|| Posted on 2006-04-30 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] |