I can at least say that you aren't afraid to show emotion or even to make yourself vulnerable. I feel you can be much more creative with this piece to be honest with you. As I tell so many others: This piece is just too obvious to me. It doesn't challenge me in any way, shape or form. It doesn't cause my mind to ponder on it, because it has already been laid out for me. This is not a cut down, in fact, I encourage you to continue to write, write, write. You'll become more creative in the way you describe things. Look at it this way, you already have passion and that's an important quality as a writer.