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    dots Submission Name: unawaredots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Prose/Passion
    Total Views: 1024
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1251


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    On nights grown heavy with doldrums torpor
    the lingering heat invites an indolent reflection
    upon the pitiless remnant of the day's last solar flare,
    and you sensuously stretch, oh, so unaware
    of your lithesome grace or how the sheen
    of sweat lends its own allure to your sensuality.
    I wonder if you realize what it does to me?
    That sheen, so iridescent, sleekly glinting on bare skin.
    The acrid perfume that is your musk compelling
    me to entertain thoughts bordering on the lavishly carnal.
    If not for this languorous mood I should bury
    myself within your heady charms, but instead,
    I sip Italian wine and merely contemplate your form.
    There is a sleepy thunder in your grace, a certain
    sluttish coyness however understated and sublime,
    it does still rumble with a caveat of storm, yes fair
    warning to be sure, you are anything but demure
    in your passion. How sweetly I could plunge into
    your ecstasy, until I might die in one burning flash
    of pleasure. Yes to be ablaze within you, a beast
    unbound in the pounding rhythms of glory! Yet
    you just recline with a nonchalant air, unaware?

    Submitted on 2006-05-01 01:48:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      When I read this poem a couple of things struck me. The first is that I loved reading it quietly, in my head, it seemed to just resonate with richness and imagery, but—the language is not the type of language you would hear every day—ok, hardly ever—and as a result, when I read it out loud it sounds contrived, almost pompous, I hear it with a clipped British accent as if some haughty aristocrat with more money than ambition is sitting there with his wine and one of many bathing beauties has caught his eye, but he is just not motivated enough to make a move, yet he still likes to build it up in his mind. The other thing that trips me up reading it out loud are the S words in the first few lines, especially sensuously, and then again sensuality. Maybe it’s my accent but they sound unpleasant to me rather than soft and inviting. But again, maybe that’s just me.

    It has a totally different effect on me read silently. The images captivate me, it’s rich and ripe and heavy with a build-up of tension and anticipation. I think of this as just the beginning of the story, a mere introduction. He’s spotted her and really likes what he sees, and is savouring that, she’s making the most of her attributes, pretending that she is oblivious to his gaze. I really like the line “There is a sleepy thunder in your grace” that combination of words says so much. It’s as if I am watching this tableau, poised just prior to the moment when she turns her head, and their eyes meet, and he knows that she knows he is watching her and the attraction is mutual….that’s when the fireworks will really start. So until that happens he’s on simmer and so, in conclusion I think this poem is really hot. ~chris
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the way this was written, very heavy, musky, layered. It's about longing, but magnified to feel like summer heat. It seems all your writing is rich and opulent and this one doesn't disappoint either. The ONLY thing I would change is in line8: "That sheen, so iridescent, sleekly glinting on bare skin." *Sleekly* tripped me up a little on the flow.

    And speaking of flow there is a very nice, steady build up where it starts out feeling humid, lazy and moves up to energy and fevers, and finally to a fire which is better than humid, so this was really well-rounded to read. I like also how the title is in lowercase, as if just the thought of all this desire being unheeded is enough to disappoint.

    So yes, this is my kinda read, the kind where you lose yoursefl in the imagery and pictures that spring to life in your head. Well done!
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by metalnymph | [ Reply to This ]
      This reads with a long and luring rhythm. The sound of the writer speaking to himself in a casual reflective mode sets the lingering mood...
    Highlighting unnoticibleable details lavished with strong adjectives creates an invasive yet charming intimacy. The sipping of Italian wine
    adds to the sexy sophistication. I really don't have ideas to improve... other than if I wrote this myself I'd drop the mention of pounding plunges... but that's just me... I see this as being a very original peice, and very well written.
    | Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by Just Kel | [ Reply to This ]

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